The Androgynous Naturalist

It all comes down to the facial hair, doesn't it?

2010-03-17T21:18:00.000-07:00

March 17, 2010

Panel 1:"For example, threaten to flog them with your paddle. That should hold them for a good, long time."

Panel 2:More likely, it will result in Ranger Buzz getting his ass kicked six ways to Sunday. Poor guy.

Panel 3:"If not, you can probably just find me floating face down in the lake!"

March 16, 2010

Panel 1:You know what? I think Mark just might pull off this "Japanese tourist" disguise.

Panel 2:Nooo. Really? Shit, I thought they just did it for sheer meaningless randomness.

Panel 3:The liquor part? If it had been me, I would have snuck up on the poker part.

March 15, 2010

Panel 1:Well, if there had been any doubt as to the nature of the Parker Brothers, it's certainly cleared up now. Look at all that facial hair!

Panel 2:What a fucking rube. No doubt he'll be surprised when they don't slow down as they plow over his canoe.

Ranger Buzz will make you wet.

2010-03-13T05:17:00.000-08:00

March 13, 2010

Panel 1: "At which point I'll add this canoe to the list of inanimate objects I have mistreated in unspeakable ways on this trip."

Panel 2: "In other words, you be the bait. Please ignore the fact that bait is typically killed in the process of catching fish."

Panel 3: You know, Mark could have had Buzz change shirts back at the Grable dock. But, of course, that would have permitted Jan to see Buzz's rippling torso, which, given his alpha-manliness, would likely have sent her into paroxysms of ecstasy, whereupon she would probably have torn off her bathing suit and thus subjected Mark to the nauseating sight of the naked female body and its various erogenous zones. Mark, of course, wanted to avoid this profoundly debilitating series of events and, thus, conveniently "forgot" to tell Buzz to change his shirt.

March 12, 2010

Panel 1:He's a real politician? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? He's not a wax facsimile of a politician in Madame Tussuad's museum? He's not an actor playing a politician on TV? What?

Panel 2:And let the wacky hi-jinx begin!

March 11, 2010

Panel 1:"And, hopefully, you'll be dressed in something as revealing and sexy as that bathing suit you stole off the corpse of Betty Grable!"

Panel 2:Having tired of Ranger Buzz's attempts to woo Jan Grable, Mark returns to violating this sleeping bag.

Panel 3:"Clank...clunk....grind..." That's the sound of Mark's brain striving to make a connection between the various clues concerning the Parker Brothers, Senator Wallace, and the restaurant.

Beaver!

2010-03-10T19:21:00.000-08:00

March 10, 2010

Panel 1: Just for the record, the Jackelrod Sphere has now presented us with 18 separate bird images since February 8th. Compare this with the 6 non-human mammals, the single amphibian, and the single fish images it's given us. I'm detecting some sort of pro-avian bias here and I, for one, am deeply disturbed.

Panel 2:"I am...ahem...tracking beaver."

Panel 3:Not really. What's interesting is what Mark is doing to that helpless sleeping bag in the background. That and the fact that he's obviously returning to Wet Lake to exact his revenge on the Parker Brothers who, you may recall, totally whupped his ass.

Let's Recap, Shall We?

2010-03-09T19:12:00.001-08:00

Ok, so I'll be the first to admit that yesterday's vodka-fueled efforts, while enjoyable (for me), didn't really do much in the way of clarifying the current story-line. Thus, I shall conduct a recap. Of course, I don't have access and/or don't care to obtain access to the strips from January 5 through February 7. I think, however, that I can extrapolate what happened. It goes a little like this:

January 5: Three panels of prattle.
January 6: Mark's phone rings, his old friend Ben is calling.
January 7: Mark and Ben talk about stuff at Ben's lake.
January 8: Mark decides he needs to write a magazine article about stuff at Ben's lake.
January 9: Cherry tries to lure Mark into bed, but he successfully evades her desperate clutches and drives to Wet Lake (or whatever Ben's lake is called).
January 11: Senator Hatcher decides to take a visit to Wet Lake.
January 12-February 7: Mark meets the Senator and his ambiguously gay staffer Tim, stuff happens, and, voile!, fisticuffs.
February 7-22: The Senator has a heart attack;Mark and Ben save the Senator by bravely canoeing him down a Class 1 riffle.
February 23-March 2: The Senator, Mark and Ben talk about stuff that isn't very interesting, except for the bit about Parker Brothers' booming non-fishing business.
March 3-4: Mark and Tim talk about stuff that isn't very interesting, except for the bit about Senator Wallace, the restaurateur cum Senator, who hates the outdoors and opposes efforts to preserve Paradise "Wet" Lake.*
March 5-8: Mark hooks up with Ranger Buzz and they proceed to canoe back out to Wet Lake.

*Note the incomprehensible statement by Tim, the not-too-bright Senate staffer, in which he concludes that it is strange that someone who dislikes the outdoors is opposed to preserving it. This, of course, is a perfectly normal position and, in fact, represents one of the planks of the modern Republican party.

Anyways. Now that you have the facts straight, let's dive into today's strip shall we.

March 9, 2010

Panel 1:It's not entirely clear to me where the lovely Ms. Harper is diving from. There's a tree behind the rock, and the rock is too low for her to have leaped off of. Any ideas?

Panel 2:Translation: Damn, I'd like to tap that ass.

Panel 3:Apparently Mark has overcome his revulsion at the thought of sexual contact between human beings and managed to paddle the canoe to the dock. I wonder if he threw up into the lake, or just swallowed it.

The Prodigal Cephalopod Returns!

2010-03-07T20:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I owe each and every one of my 12 readers a deep apology. Since my last post on January 4th, three things have happened that have contributed to the complete lack of postings. They are, as follows:

1. I was offered a job in Denver, CO.
2. I accepted that job.
3. I moved myself and my family to Denver, CO.

Having arrived in Denver the day before yesterday and having somewhat settled into our temporary, furnished housing, I feel safe promising that I will now be able to resume regular posting on this blog.

So, I apologize for the long delay. Let's see where we are in the latest Mark Trail escapade. For purposes of speed and alacrity I will not use the three-panel commentary approach. Instead, I shall use the three-shot approach in which I will drink three shots of vodka and proceed to undertake a quick word association for each day. Oh, and because I'm a lazy fuck and only use the Seattle PI, I'll only be going back to February 7th (I think). So, let me get some vodka in me.... A slight digression: I highly recommend Tito's if you can find it. Brewed in the fine city of Austin, TX, it's smooth, tasty and suitable for any occasion. And now, let us proceed:

March 8, 2010

a fine line apparently divides interesting from stultifying

March 6, 2010

surveillance technology is for the weak

March 5, 2010

shitting on his desk?

March 4, 2010

massive abscess needs lancing

March 3, 2010

a love whose name cannot be spoken

March 2, 2010

pixilated patronizer

March 1, 2010

hairnet or just pomade?

February 27, 2010

Lloyd Bridges doesn't look dead.

February 26, 2010

dopey motherfucker never heard of meth?

February 25, 2010

not just tough, talkative too

February 24, 2010

desperation vibrator

February 23, 2010

sudden time lapse grimace

February 22, 2010

please eat them

February 20, 2010

freaky ghost duck

February 19, 2010

chatty motherfucker abyss

February 18, 2010

Charterstone escapee

February 17, 2010

talented goose

February 16, 2010

Frankenstein shuffleboard sweater

February 15, 2010

Stuka ski-boat

February 13, 2010

bomber squadron gondola

February 12, 2010

post-cornhole sweathog

February 11, 2010

squirrelly mcblowjob

February 10, 2010

double-jointed humpathon

February 9, 2010

stoic, bitch slap

February 8, 2010

banjo, rusty Oldsmobile, broken hip

The End of an Error

2010-01-14T19:47:00.000-08:00

January 4, 2010

Panel 1:Howdy Doody! Damn, we haven't seen him in months!

Panel 2:What the fuck is he trying to say? Does anybody talk like that? One typically doesn't modify a positive statement with remorse that something else good happened at the same time. Consider: "I enjoyed our date tonight Denise, but many people survived the Haitian earthquake. Ah yes, if only more of those poverty stricken souls had met their demise the other day. Then I'd really have enjoyed our time together!"

Panel 3:Cue the canned laughter! And that, my friends, is a cut. Onward and upward, I say. I wonder what the Jackelrod Sphere has in store for us next?

January 2, 2010

Panel 1:Nope, I guess he wanted to dry hump Mark....who certainly appears to be enjoying it.

Panel 2:"Just a little fungus, that's all!"

Panel 3:Very subtle, JS, very subtle indeed. Presumably, this is your way of saving a few panels showing us Rusty lying his fugly little ass off. For that, I thank you.

January 1, 2010

Panel 1:B-b-but that's lying!

Panel 2:Good job Cujo. Knock that dowdy midget over on your way outside to...what...dry hump Rusty?

December 31, 2009

Panel 1:"Well, sir, he stinks like the business end of a mink and he's got the common sense of a sack of dirty nappies, but otherwise, he'll be fine."

Panel 2:I suppose it is pretty cool that Rusty grew a mushroom on his foot.

Congratulations to the Buttockios!

2010-01-06T06:06:00.000-08:00

I interrupt yet another extended interregnum to congratulate Ace Buttockio and Cherry Merkin on the birth of their baby son, Everhard Buttockio. The newest member of the Buttockio clan can be seen here, a few seconds before Ace wrestled him to the ground to change his diaper:

Wishful thinking, indeed.

2009-12-30T08:17:00.000-08:00

December 30, 2009

Panel 1:J.W. Pepper: The Sheriff with the Heart O' Gold!

Panel 2:And if this were the Twilight Zone, that deer would pop out of the woods, and the Sheriff would swerve off onto the beach to avoid hitting it. Thank goodness it's not and he won't.

December 29, 2009

Panel Zero:Boring denouement: Mark saves "a boy," Sheriff recognizes his error, Sheriff makes amends to Mark.

Wishful thinking denouement: Ditto the above. Sheriff gives his gun to Mark, who uses it to blast a hole the size of a buttermilk pancake in the hyena-pig who, if you will recall, was the cause of all this ruckus.

December 28, 2009

Panel 1:Um, total disconnect here. On Saturday, Mark had the jack and it's handle out of the trunk. On Monday, Mark is reaching into the trunk to retrieve the jack and it's handle. This disconnect is only amplified by the fact that Sheriff Pepper is forcefully repeating his command.

Panel 2:So. Fucking. Awesome. Rusty's floating head. I wish I had photoshop. I would start putting this in every panel.

Panel 3:Yes, indeed. While that sand was troublesome before, I'm sure it will have firmed up quite nicely under the flowing tide.

December 26, 2009

Panel 1:Don't worry, Mark. If you wash the car right away, you should avoid any rust problems.

Panel 2:Wow. Kudos to the JS. Mark's face actually matches both his words and the context. I almost feel a twinge at the prospect of Rusty's apparent demise.

Panel 3:Fortunately for my self-respect, we're given this panel in which we're forced to confront the ridiculous notion that the J.W. Pepper is still operating under the misconception that Mark Trail is a citified faggot looking to steal a carjack to sell for an eight-ball and a couple doses of Viagra.

December 25, 2009

Panel 1:Presumably, if a deer leaps out in front of him this time, he'll plow the bastard over.

Panel 2:Step on the gas, then, motherfucker.

Panel 3:Ditto.

December 24, 2009

Panel 1:Judging from the misshapen bulges in J.W. Pepper's pants, I'm thinking the man is wearing a Depends undergarment. And look at that hairline. I wonder how Mark feels about socking a man who is well past the age at which he gets 20% off at Luby's?

Panel 2:The Jackelrod Sphere strives for pathos.

Panel 3:But, with water that is only 3" deep (i.e., knee-deep on the hyena-pig), achieves only bathos.

365 Days of Mark Trail

2009-12-30T07:53:00.001-08:00

I just want to note (in an egregiously belated fashion) that this is the 365th (or is it 366th?) Mark Trail that I have commented on. While I may have done it late; while I may have done it in short, terse and unfunny sentences; I have now managed to address every single Mark Trail published since December 23, 2008. And you, my loyal readers, have suffered every step of the way. For that, I salute you!

December 23, 2009

Panel 1:Silly sheriff. You really ought to be keeping your eyes on Mark's hands.

Panel 2:I mean, look. He's holding a phone right now!

Panel 3:But not now? Who cares! Look at the power! With one roundhouse, Mark is able to knock the hat off J.W. Peppers head, the tie off his gut, and the keys out of his hand. That, my friends, is the sort of fist-work we've been waiting for all year! I find this a fitting tribute by the Jackelrod Sphere to my year of service.

Jury trial. What's that?

2009-12-30T07:20:00.000-08:00

December 22, 2009

Panel 1:Mark seems uncertain as to the scope of his constitutional rights (state and/or federal).

Panel 2:So does Sheriff Pepper. Yet, surprisingly enough, he decides to err on the side of an expansive reading of the 6th Amendment's right to "Assistance of Counsel."

Panel 3:I take it that the Sheriff is unfamiliar with the Right Fist o' Justice.

December 21, 2009

Panel 1:Now this is some serious frontier justice. The judge doesn't just decide whether Mark should be offered bail pending a jury trial for felony burglary, he actually decides the entire case. I wonder what his name is? Roy Bean?

Panel 2:The tide remains active.

Panel 3:"Usually it's just one of my many cousins looking for ephedrine."

December 19, 2009

Panel 1:Please note that Rusty is not "my son" to Mark, but instead "a boy." This might explain a lot. It also probably explains why Mark's panicked pleading does nothing to thaw the congealed bacon fat that constitutes Sheriff Pepper's cold, cold heart.

Panel 2:Interestingly (to me), Mark is affected by the essentially agent-less passive voice, while Rusty is affected by the active voice of Nature. I wonder why.

December 18, 2009

Panel 1:Ahhhhh, Mark gets a little taste of the moral certitude he's usually so quick to dispense.

Panel 2:And, apparently, it doesn't taste good.

Panel 3:Unless your name is Sheriff J.W. Pepper!

December 17, 2009

Panel 1:Ooh, inbred AND venal. This, my friends, is my kind of Mark Trail villain.

Panel 2:Is it me, or does it look like Mark's hand is creeping across the floor (a la the Evil Dead) and preparing to throttle him?

Panel 3:I do so enjoy Sheriff Pepper's condescending use of the word "boy."

The Newest Gimp

2009-12-16T10:20:00.000-08:00

December 16, 2009

Panel 1:Uh-oh, I just realized that Rosco Hogg there has sideburns. I'm thinking Mark's in a heap o' trouble now! And what's with the handcuffs? If the Jackelrod Sphere has read his Chekhov, we're going to bear witness to something unspeakable in the third act...

Panel 2:"...with his pants around his ankles and a rubber ball in his mouth."

December 15, 2009

Panel 1:I'll be goddamned! If it isn't Sheriff J.W. Pepper!

Panel 2:Clobbered him? Hell man, you super-duper clobbered him with a side of special sauce!

Panel 3:From this angle, our atavistic southern sheriff looks more like a misbegotten love-child of Rosco P. Coltrane and Boss Hogg than J.W. Pepper.

December 14, 2009

Panel 1:All the more reason to have broken the small window.

Panel 2:Really? I thought Rusty's life as at stake. Tee hee. Get it. Boy's life. Rusty's life. Distinction...oh, never mind.

Panel 3:Wow, this is a little disconcerting. I like the violence and all, but whaling away at someone's head with a 2-pound monkey wrench is pretty serious stuff. Of course, given that Mark isn't bleeding (As an aside: How cool would it be if the JS broke the fourth wall, installed a window and speckled it with Mark's blood and brain tissue?), perhaps our anonymous assailant here is using an aluminum wrench.

Give me convenience, or give me death.

2009-12-15T14:21:00.000-08:00

December 12, 2009

Panel 1:I like how Mark works. Don't break the glass in the door. Pick the biggest window in the joint and toss a giant D-cell battery through it. Very cool.

Panel 2:Now he's looking properly panicked.

Panel 3:How convenient!

December 11, 2009

Panel 1:What, was Mark hired by the Ministry of Silly Walks?

Panel 2:Oh noes!

Panel 3:I really ought to add this to my list of applicable laws in teh Trailosphere: Trespassing is okay if the place is old.

December 10, 2009

Panel 1:Does the hyena-pig look worried or guilty? I don't think so.

Panel 2:If we're fortunate, Rusty will be playing the role of Gabilan, Mark will be playing the role of Jody Tiflin, and the pelicans will be playing the role of the vultures in this little drama.

December 9, 2009

Panel 1:I really shouldn't laugh as hard as I am right now when faced with Rusty's tear-stained face. Clearly, I'm a heartless bastard.

Panel 2:Well, that'll make the sawing easier.

Panel 3:Awesome! Slow drowning! Now that's a demise I can get behind.

December 8, 2009

Panel 1:Mmm...yes. Somehow. Sheer laziness on the part of the Jackelrod Sphere, that's how.

Panel 2:Look, Mark. If Rusty's leg doesn't hurt that much, it means the leg isn't bearing the weight of the car. Which means that the hub/brake assembly is bearing the car's weight. Thus, if you want to free Rusty's leg, let the hub/brake assembly rest in the sand and dig out around Rusty's leg. Dumbass.

Panel 3:Saw it off!

December 7, 2009

Panel 1:Plausible.

Panel 2:Plausible.

Panel 3:Totally fucking implausible.

December 5, 2009

Panel 1:Riiiiiight.

Panel 2:That Rusty, he's a fast little fucker. Note that yesterday, he was crawling under the right side of the car when the hyena-pig knocked into the jack. Today, he's fleeing out from under the back of the car. Shame he didn't use that uncanny speed just to back out from the side of the car.

Panel 3:On November 30, Mark was stricken with horror at the thought of running over a deer. Today, his only son is getting crushed by a car, and he looks...I don't know...concerned.

Please crush them both.

2009-12-04T08:13:00.000-08:00

December 4, 2009

Panel 1:Mark, that's why you should always block your wheels when you jack your car up: the jack isn't going to tilt if the car can't move.

Panel 2:That boy just isn't very smart.

Panel 3:Really? A 3-pound dog is going to knock over a car jack that, no matter how unstable, is being pushed into the earth by a 3,000 pound car? Color me skeptical.

December 3, 2009

Panel 1:Nice to see that Mark's jack is as antiquated as his car.

Panel 2:That dog just isn't very smart.

Just kidding, this is only the beginning.

2009-12-02T08:40:00.000-08:00

December 2, 2009

Panel 1:I take it back, it's clear that Mark does not drive a 1967 AMC Ambassador, because the Ambassador had round headlamps. Upon further reflection, I have concluded that Mark's beach buggy is, in fact, a 1980 Ford Fairmont.

Panel 2:You know what's even more amazing, Rusty? The fact that just a few seconds ago, you were driving along the beach with the trees on your right and the ocean on your left. Now, the ocean is on your right and the trees on the left.

Panel 3:And you know what's even more amazing than that? Now the ocean is on your left, again. That's one sneaky fucking ocean, flitting back and forth like a butterfly on meth.

December 1, 2009

Panel 1:A deer? That's it? And this deer isn't even particularly big. C'mon already. Mark's 1967 AMC Ambassador would make mincemeat out of the poor thing without risk of injury to the passengers.

Panel 2:You know Mark, if you're going to swerve to avoid hitting a deer which, I'll submit, is generally a good idea, you probably should avoid swerving toward a cliff.

November 30, 2009

Panel 1:Is Rusty so sheltered as to have reached his early adolescence without ever having seen the ocean before? And if that's the case, why not stop and let the unfortunate little fucker out of the car to actually try walking on the beach?

Panel 2:Christ, that's quite the look of horror. I assume Mark is about to pulverize a stroller full of infants, or possibly plow into a bevy of nuns who have wandered into the road.

This is the end.

2009-11-23T06:58:00.000-08:00

November 28, 2009

Panel 1:I agree with Rusty, this story arc was basically unbelievable.

Panel 2:No way, you're just a fucking pelican and, moreover, you don't even know where Cherry lives...do you?

Panel 3:The hyena-pig is looking almost dog-like in this panel. It's uncanny, and I find it vaguely unsettling.

November 27, 2009

Panel Zero:In terms of advancing a story line or even closing this one off, this entire strip is a FAIL.

November 26, 2009

Panel 1:Um...you know, Seth, game wardens don't make prosecutorial decisions; that's left up to local DAs and the like. But hey, if you want to not report Bob's case to the DA's office for prosecution, that's certainly your decision.

Panel 2:Well isn't that handy! A job opening for a man with a clean criminal record! And on a purely semantic note, wouldn't that be "on the right side of the law"?

Panel 3:Given Bob's excitement to become a government employee, I guess we can safely conclude that he's not related to this Bob Jackson!

November 25, 2009

Panel 1:Who knew that Seth Rogen moonlighted as a game warden?

Panel 2:"It's been a long-time since I beat up some long-hairs!"

Panel 3:Is it me, or does Bob's head look like it's shrinking?

November 24, 2009

Panel 1:Lame! Poaching to feed your family is fine with me. But poaching to make money to feed your family? WTF? Just shoot a fucking deer and eat it already. Lord, what a douche.

Panel 2:That Bob, he's a real stand-up guy.

Panel 3:"You're going to have to kill him!"

November 23, 2009

Panel 1:Did you ever see the T.J. Hooker episode in which Officer Romano was ribbing T.J. for not exercising? In the final scene, T.J. and Romano are forced to chase a bad guy through a park and, miracle of miracles, the husky T.J. (played, of course, by William Shatner) is able to outrun both the young, vigorous Romano AND the bad guys. The lesson, I think, was that donuts make you fast. Today's picture shows us the obvious corollary to the T.J. Hooker lesson: "Sideburns make you slow." So boys, when you grow up, eat lots of donuts and shave regularly and you, too, will be as cool as T.J. Hooker and Mark Trail.

Panel 2:"Mind you, alligators are a different story."

Panel 3:"It all started when Mr. Longburns held a gun to my head and forced me to get in his boat."

Ass-kicking Klatsch

2009-11-20T10:28:00.000-08:00

November 21, 2009

Panel 1:And what better way is there to renounce a criminal conspiracy than to kick your co-conspirators in the face while swinging from a low-hanging branch and renouncing the crime of poachi...wait...what's that Bob? You're not a pet killer? No mention of alligators, poaching, anything? Sucks for you, Bob, because that's not going to cut it in state court. Fortunately for you, Mark Trail is as ignorant of the law as he is the inside of Cherry's trousers, so you should be okay in the short-term....

Panel 2:You know, I think I prefer my action scenes with a little less dialogue.

November 20, 2009

Panel 1: Wow, Mark looks disappointed that his friend Bob here is mixed up with a bunch of facial-haired no-goods. He doesn't even need to shave, how can that be?!?!?

Panel 2:"But, you know, I feel really guilty about it, Mark. I mean, I'm all torn up inside. I can't quit you Mark Trail!"

Panel 3:Here's a hint folks, if you're ever involved in a criminal conspiracy, it doesn't matter if your co-conspirators boot you from their little endeavor. While I'm sure Mark is going to read Longburn's disavowal of Bob as exculpatory, a court of law would not and criminal culpability would still attach to Bob. For Bob to have a workable defense to a conspiracy charge, he's going to need to make a clear statement that he has renounced the goals of this poaching gang.

Eight Days of....Well...Something.

2009-11-19T14:33:00.000-08:00

November 19, 2009

Panel 1:If this is the beginning of the denouement to this storyline, I'm prepared to be totally underwhelmed.

Panel 2:Wait! Things are looking up. I detect a note of suspicion in Mark's voice here.

Panel 3:And there it is! The gun-wielding Longburns. Ladies and germs, I sense a beatdown coming on.

November 18, 2009

Panel 1:The Jackelrod Sphere continues its long tradition of recycling art. Today it's using the art from Monday's second panel.

Panel 2:Mark Trail, man of action, bridles the alligator and gallops off in search of retribution!

November 17, 2009

Panel 1:Wow, I wonder what the conversion factor is to determine the decibel equivalent to 36-point font.

Panel 2:Rusty, your play-by-play is getting a little tiresome.

November 16, 2009

Panel 1:Damn, dude. There's an apparently sluggish (He's certainly taking his sweet time to approach the hyena-pig.) reptile the size of a large canoe crawling out of the water and you miss?

Panel 2:Bob is 15 feet from the animals and the alligator is 8 inches from the hyena-pig, what the hell is Bob going to do, dive into the alligator's open maw?

November 14, 2009

Panel 1:It's hard to tell, but it looks like Rusty just grew a soul patch. Maybe he's going to break out the upright bass and bring the cool straight to the swamp.

Panel 2:Um, well, I guess not.

Panel 3:Bravo, Jackelrod Sphere, bravo! This is actually a pretty damn good picture of an alligator getting ready to eat the hyena-pig.

November 13, 2009

Panel 1:Sweetie? What? Is he trying to put the gay back in alligator?

Panel 2:Perhaps Sassy's turd breath will deter the ravenous reptile.

Panel 3:Yeah, shut yer yap!

November 12, 2009

Panel 1:Rusty, I'd check inside the ribbed collar of the giant turtleneck sweater you're sleeping under. She's probably trapped in there.

Panel 2:Fuckin-a, man. It looks like Rusty just woke up for a 3-day bender. Get that boy an 8-ball, there's work to be done!

Panel 3:What?!? Here in the swamp teeming with alligators?

November 11, 2009

Panel 1:I think there's boner in the bathtub joke in here somewhere. I'm just too lazy to find it.

Panel 2:That's right Longburns, treat the pooch as an inanimate object and you won't feel even the slightest twinge of regret when a gator finally gets him.

November 10, 2009

Panel 1:Wow. Bob finally realizes that he's nothing a but a pawn in a senseless game beyond his control and, here, in what may become one of the foundational statements of The New Atheism, rebels against his cruel and uncaring god. Next thing you know he's going to go on a speaking tour with Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins. That should be fun.

Panel 2:Cue the dueling banjos.

Panel 3:Poor Bob, first he becomes an atheist, then he's sodomized by a couple of hillbillies. What could possibly happen next?

Meta-Post: The Reason for the Delay in Posting

2009-11-19T14:31:00.001-08:00

I just spent 6 days converting a closet into this:

I now have a proper throne upon which to ingest my source materials and compose my commentary. A catch-up post should appear soon.

The Invisible Hand

2009-11-09T19:03:00.000-08:00

November 9, 2009

Panel 1:This is irrefutable proof that we live in a cold, cruel and unfeeling universe that knows nothing and cares nothing for humans and their petty, insignificant problems. If we didn't, that'd be Rusty tied to the stake.

Panel 2:Well, Sassy, it goes like this. Unlike our universe, which is governed by natural laws which, while amoral, are also blind, you live in the Trailosphere. There, laws are malleable and justice is a joke. Your cruel and heartless overlord (I call him the Jackelrod Sphere) twists and tortures you to suit his passing whims and fleeting needs. In this case, his fleeting need appears to be a lack of a compelling plot point that could explain why Mark is wandering around in a swamp at night looking for malfeasors to punch. So, my porcine little hyena-type-thing, you're being treated like this because Rusty needs to wake up, miss you, and send Mark out to find you, whereupon he can stumble upon the poachers and pound them senseless. Sucks for you, eh?

Panel 3:Relax, Bob. In this instance, the safety of the hyena-pig is protected by the ineffable force of the profit motive. Sassy will be fine as long as Longburns is conscious and believes a quick buck is within his grasp.

November 7, 2009

Panel 1:WTF? Did Mr. Longburns go and join PETA or something? What's up with the soft-heartedness?

Panel 2:Phew! Just maximizing resources, that's all. Good old Longburns; always watching his bottom-line.

I'm William Fucking Strunk, Yo.

2009-11-04T14:43:00.000-08:00

November 6, 2009

Panel 1:I've got to hand it Mr. Longburns. That backwoods motherfucker is fast on his feet. Go back and look at yesterday's third panel. Sassy was hauling ass in the other direction, Longburns was a good ways back and, yet, he managed to nab the paunchy pig-creature. Clearly, he's pretty damn nimble for a middle-aged poacher.

Panel 2:On the other hand, he seems to have a disturbing affinity for dogs.

Panel 3:See Wednesday's panel 2, infra.

November 5, 2009

Panel 1:Mr. Longburns (I think that's whose talking here) is just a little too eager to grab Sassy "from behind."

Panel 2:Mmm, yes, because Sassy totally understood everything Bob and friends were talking about...now that's believable!

November 4, 2009

Panel 1:Bob, Bob, Bob, you've just opened yourself up to a world of hurt. Mr. Longburns and Mr. Shortburns are, for sure, going to become suspicious of you now.

Panel 2:Not to be a usage stickler here, but you can, in fact, hurt the dog. I think you mean to say that you "shouldn't."

Panel 3:Yeah, Bob, if you can skin an alligator without retching, than feeding a hyena-pig to another alligator shouldn't be too troublesome.

Dog meat. Dog flesh. What's a noun among friends?

2009-11-03T14:27:00.000-08:00

November 3, 2009

Panel 1:Sassy is a dog. Not a very smart dog. This is why she and Rusty get along so well. This is also why Sassy likes to eat her own turds. I know this because in this panel, you can actually see her turd breath coming out of her mouth in little straight lines.

Panel 2:YES! I always knew I kind of liked Mr. Longburns.

Panel 3:Bob, if you know what's good for you, you point to Sassy and say, "If it's not a pet, why does it have a collar and tag on." I think that's a logical inference that even a violent paranoiac like Mr. Longburns can appreciate.

From the annals of stupid questions.

2009-11-02T06:56:00.000-08:00

November 2, 2009

Panel 1:You may wonder why these very same noises did not awaken Sassy during any of the last 47 nights of this interminable storyline. I certainly do.

Panel 2:"It's dinner!"

Panel 3:Well, Mr. Longburns, I think we can safely conclude that the dog did not get there by flying. Nor did it drive a swamp-buggy. The dog probably didn't parachute in, either. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the dog walked there. Crazy, I know...

October 31, 2009

Panel 1:Sassy somehow avoids another brush with death (i.e. getting stomped by an angry doe) and, instead of celebrating the dog's demise, we're left to wonder how it is that she can drop the deuce while running at top speed. I mean, how else can one interpret this picture? Clearly, Sassy is pinching a loaf here.

Panel 2:Uh, yeah, I did. That was the sound of a hyena-pig taking a dump in the woods. And, since someone was there to hear it, it made a noise.

Don't bring a knife to a gun fight, and don't use rifles for close-quarter shooting.

2009-10-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

October 30, 2009

Panel 1:You know what, JS? The swamp is not mysterious. The swamp is dark, the swamp is dank, the swamp is teeming with alligators waiting to get poached by side-burned buffoons, but the swamp is not mysterious. The swamp is a complex ecosystem, yes, but that's not mysterious, that's just nature. You want to know what's mysterious? What's mysterious is why I keep reading this fucking comic strip. That, and who took the apple off my desk I was saving for a snack. Someone call Miss Marple!

Panel 2:I have it on good authority that these guys are bringing way too much firepower to their little turkey shoot. Turns out, you only need some nylon rope and a .45 to hunt alligators.

Panel 3:Why, Bob, because you had him over for dinner? Clearly you are not familiar with the Right Fist o' Justice and the Left Foot o' Retribution. They are employed without regard for their owner's relationship with their target. Mark Trail will kick anyone's ass, even people who have had their complacent wives pour him coffee. So, Bob, you might want to reconsider that statement, because I suspect that we're coming to the point in this narrative arc where Mark Trail finally rips the top off a can of whup-ass and shoves it down your pusillanimous throat.

News Flash: Yappy Dog Flesh Tastes Good...To Alligators

2009-10-29T07:16:00.000-07:00

October 29, 2009

Panel 1:Good

Panel 2:Fucking

Panel 3:Riddance

Just eat the fucking dog already.

2009-10-28T12:18:00.000-07:00

October 28, 2009

Panel 1:Coco the Hungry Raccoon had better watch out. That giant bullfrog is going to kick his ass if he finds out that Coco has been eating his children.

Panel 2:Maybe the gators will eat Sassy now? We can only hope.

October 27, 2009

Panel 1:That Bob, he's a smart one: getting one last pinch of his wife's smokin' ass before getting nabbed for poaching and tossed in the clink.

Panel 2:If you are a federally-protected bird of prey (like this Great Horned Owl) and the Jackelrod Sphere drives you into a state of boredom so deep your vital organs shut down and you die, are you a victim of poaching? I say yes, and somebody better get that owl a stimulant, stat!

October 26, 2009

Panel 1:Damn, looks like Sassy (or maybe it's just Sassy's head!) survived the fishing trip today.

Panel 2:Are you fucking kidding? Who kidnapped the Mark Trail we know and (sort of) like and replaced him with a sensible, non-vigilante, non-ass-kicking citizen?

Panel 3:Normal smoke today. That's reassuring.

October 24, 2009

Panel 1:At first, Mark's comment appears to be another senseless non sequitur dreamed up by the Jackelrod Sphere to fill space. I mean, when someone says something like, "No wonder you've succeeded at task X," they're usually a) surprised that you've succeeded, and b) identified what they perceive to be a reasonable explanation for that surprising success. In this case, it's no wonder that Mark is surprised that Rusty has been catching fish. Rusty, as we know, is no genius and its surprising when he does something as simple as closing the velcro on his shoes. Anyway, the question is, what has Mark identified as the explanation for Rusty's fishing success? Here it is: Sassy! More specifically, Rusty is using Sassy as bait. I mean, look at Rusty's fishing pole. There's something heavy on there. And why would Rusty say that he AND Sassy are having fun? Because Rusty tied a loop around Sassy's neck and finally putting that yappy sack of goo to good use: luring fish (and probably a few alligators) to Rusty's line. So, long story short, Mark is not blurting out non sequiturs today; his response is actually pretty reasonable given the circumstances.

Another long catch-up session...

2009-10-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

October 23, 2009

Panel 1:"Ignore your problems and life is grand!"

Panel 2:"Like I said, grand!"

Panel 3:Not to put too fine a point on it, toots, but your deadbeat husband lost his job.

October 22, 2009

Panel 1:"Maybe this tiny cup of coffee will give me the courage to stand up to that big rockabully!"

Panel 2:"Fucking horny suburban housewives! Now that's the way to make money, Bob. So get on Craigslist and get to work there mister."

Panel 3:Yes, the last time. I'm sure this is going to turn out wonderfully.

October 21, 2009

Panel 1:Christ-the-fuck-Almighty! Twice in three days? Maybe the JS found the cooking sherry again.

Panel 2:Rusty hasn't quite mastered the art of matching up his facial expressions with his exclamations. Clearly, he doesn't give a shit that an alligator ate Mark and, in fact, is pretty damn pleased at the prospect of his putative father getting gobbled by a ravenous reptile.

Panel 3:I'm going to reiterate my comment from October 2. What the fuck is up with the smoke here? Under what meteorological conditions can smoke be lower than the fire that started it?

October 20, 2009

Panel 1:The JS had better watch out, it looks like Tiny is about to open up a can of giant possum whoop-ass on it.

Panel 2:"I mean, someones got to swim around and lure the 'gators to the boat!"

Panel 3:"And you'd better have that chicken liver bathing suit on!"

October 19, 2009

Panel 1:Either we are being given a clue that this whole story arc is part of Ray's Golding-esque death throes, or the Jackelrod Sphere (and its editors) needs to double-check the source of its dialog bubbles.

Panel 2:"But don't worry, either way. If he gets any closer to the truth, I'll get Tiny out of the tree and let him loose."

Panel 3:"You know, with stories about the giant, carnivorous possums that live around here."

October 17, 2009

Panel 1:"Well, sort of...you'd have to see him with his pants off to answer that question."

Panel 2:Why didn't Ray yell the "You'd"?

October 16, 2009

Panel 1:I'll tell you what, that is one small-ass fucking swamp.

Panel 2:"Well, Ray, I guess we thought wrong, didn't we."

Panel 3:"First, it was that purty, purty mouf of his, but then I really got to know the man...You know how it goes."

Where in the world was Squid Vicious?

2009-10-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

October 15, 2009

Panel 1:Blah, blah, blah.

Panel 2:Again with the half-assed thanks.

Panel 3:Mr. Longburns continues his downward spiral into insanity.

October 14, 2009

Panel 1:"Strangely affectless, dressed in khaki; strangely affectless, dressed in khaki. WHY does that ring a bell?!"

Panel 2:In Panel 1, Mark is holding an axe. In Panel 2, Mark is not holding an axe. Why?

Panel 3:Wow. It's like this vision of Mark Trail has rocked Mr. Longburns to the very core of his being. One minute he feels safe and secure in a world where alligators eat the people you've tried to kill; the next minute he's adrift in a world gone MAD.

October 13, 2009

Panel 1:Mark's viscera seem to have quite the knack for conversation!

Panel 2:Ummm....looks like Merlin left his merkin on that tree.

Panel 3:It's that damn khaki outfit giving him away again!

October 12, 2009

Panel 1:I see Mr. Longburns traded shirts with Mr. Shortburns.

Panel 2:What is he, the game warden?

October 10, 2009

Panel 1:Random observations: Red tam, mopey drunk and gold Oscar award resting on the bar. Indescribably sickening "Salt" burger advertised on the wall. Couple of sets of sideburns (locally known as Mr. Shortburns and Mr. Longburns) so long you can see them from here, talking in the back of the room.

Panel 2:Since when have owls skinned their prey before eating them?

Panel 3:Villains or a rockabilly duo? You decide.

October 9, 2009

Panel 1:Isn't that cute. Bob and Mark are best friends now!

Panel 2:Judging from the bored expression on that third turtle's face, he's as disinterested in this plot line as I am.

October 8, 2009

Panel 1:This strip from Ruben Bolling makes any comment from me unnecessary.

Panel 2:Couldn't we just get some more animals for the foreground?

October 7, 2009

Panel 1:That's right Mark! Subservient wife, retiring child, what's not to like!

Panel 2:Bob has got himself some fancy-ass gutters on that rustic swamp shack of his...

Panel 3:Fish? That's it? I have it on good authority that turtle, raccoon, opossum, alligator, snake and snail all taste pretty good, too.

Thank the Good Lord for the 1950s

2009-10-06T11:42:00.000-07:00

October 6, 2009

Panel 1:As always in the Trailosphere, the diligent wife waits on the menfolk hand and foot, and the children are seen but not heard. While normally I would decry this sort of crass promotion of outdated social norms, today I am thankful. If it were otherwise, we might have to read another one of Rusty's pointless interjections.

Panel 2:"Am I making Liberace proud with my grasp on this tea cup?"

Panel 3:Forget the dialogue. Compare today's picture with the third panel published exactly six months ago:

It's hard to say whether the JS is recycling the same picture or merely the same layout of the picture...

On the importance of verbal clarity.

2009-10-05T08:03:00.000-07:00

October 5, 2009

Panel 1:Mark is a brave man to reach out and grab Mary's single-digit flipper like that. I might hesitate a moment when confronted with such a disturbing manifestation of human anatomy.

Panel 2:What's going on with Mark's left eye? It looks like it popped right out of his skull, leaving a gaping socket in its wake.

Panel 3:Um...disturbing misogynistic non sequitur here with even more disturbing pedophilic undertones.

October 3, 2009

Panel 1:How come the only indicator of the boat's speed are the hyena-pig's ears? You'd think Mark or Rusty might get a little wind-swept if the boat is actually going that fast.

Panel 2:Good Lord, Mark has a daughter! Can you imagine the female version of Rusty. Blergh. I think I'll cover my keyboard in plastic wrap right now; just in case Mark pulls out a picture to show Bob.

Holy Shit! A timely post!

2009-10-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

October 2, 2009

Panel 1:Taking a cue from I Found All Six, I hereby present you with today's puzzle. Find the six differences between Wednesday's Panel 3 and Friday's Panel 1:

Answers are at the bottom.

Panel 2:Now there's a plan, Mark. I would remind you that these are the dudes who have so far proven able to sneak up on you in the middle of the night and knock you unconscious without giving you the slightest opportunity to pummel them with your ferocious Right Fist o' Justice.

Panel 3:Okay, WTF is going on with the smoke in this story arc? Have we seen normal smoke yet? Every time we see a fire, the smoke is shin-high, and looks like a tiny cumulus cloud. As a former Boy Scout who has spent A LOT of time burning shit, I've never seen smoke that didn't rise above knee level.

The Answers to Today's Puzzle:
1. Bob's magic fairy dust finally worked today.
2. Mark remembered to put on his Official Cooking Safety Hat on Wednesday.
3. Sassy knew better than to sit in the fire on Wednesday.
4. Mark forgot about his sodium-induced high blood pressure on Friday.
5. Kinky the Creeping Vine straightened up his act on Friday.
6. Mark's elbow was feeling loquacious on Wednesday.

Lamey McLamekins

2009-10-01T13:04:00.000-07:00

October 1, 2009

Panel 1:Nice dig there, asshole. Couldn't you just be a gentleman and thank him for actually saving your life?

Panel 2:More ponderous dialogue from the Sphere. Wouldn't it sound more normal for Bob to say, "Sure!" or "That'd be great!"

Panel 3:Shifty-eyed bastard.

September 30, 2009

Panel 1:What is Mark smiling about in this picture?

Panel 2:"Like that giant frog over there! Quick, hand me my gun!"

Panel 3:Mark pours salt into the pot of mush, Rusty practices his best Oliver Twist impersonation, and Bob floats away on a cloud of bilious smoke.

Tuesday's Dispatch from the Front

2009-09-29T14:15:00.000-07:00

September 29, 2009

Panel 1:Wow, Bob is good at lying!

Panel 2:What exactly is Mark supposed to be doing in this picture, harvesting cotton?

Panel 3:"Or, maybe they just beat you senseless because you looked like you deserve it...which you do."

September 28, 2009

Panel 1:"Thank God!"

Panel 2:"Blargh! Christ, Rusty, couldn't you warn me next time. I thought you were some sort of hideously deformed troll leaping out of the trees."

Panel 3:Speaking of hideously deformed, check out the skeletal claw that Mark is putting on Rusty's shoulder.

September 26, 2009

Panel 1:Unless Mark wandered into the ink spray of the giant land squid, the dark shadows on Mark's shirt suggest that Jackelrod Sphere has identified a highly unlikely light source for Mark in this panel.

Panel 2:"If I flap my arms hard enough, maybe I'll fly straight to Rusty!"

Panel 3:I don't know Mark, that's one seedy looking sphere lurking around Rusty's tent.

A Message for Ace Buttockio

2009-09-26T03:53:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday! Here's hoping that you don't spend today unconscious in a wetland getting fondled by a platinum blond poacher, in an abandoned fishing lodge yapped at by a misshapen hyena-pig, or in some far-off forest getting gored by a jealous buck!

Mark Rogers Bob...mentally.

2009-09-25T14:11:00.000-07:00

Panel 1:I'm guessing that the Jackelrod Sphere wasn't able to draw Mark rubbing the back of his head where Sideburns McFacialhair actually whacked him the stick. So, instead, we get this picture, wherein Mark's incongruously large right arm rests on his remarkably feminine left leg as he massages his temple. That, or Mark is making an awkward attempt to appear fetching to the man who only just recently finished stroking Mark's back.

Panel 2:Mark stares meaningfully into Bob's eyes...what is this gay porn?

Panel 3:That was an uncomfortable interlude just then. Thank goodness we were saved by the arrival of the giant turtle being piloted by a slightly-less-giant dragon fly.

Big man, tiny gator?

2009-09-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

September 24, 2009

Panel 1:Christ, the perspective in this panel is fucked up. If the alligator is, in fact, "big" then it's going to be about 12 to 14 feet long. Using that as a guide, this panel suggests that Mark Trail is about 20 feet tall. Nice work Jackelrod Sphere!

Panel 2:Yes, Bob, and stroking him gently should aid his recovery even more.

Panel 3:Well, that, or jerking him around and yelling at him...

It's like Evil Dead, but only not evil and merely unconscious.

2009-09-22T15:35:00.001-07:00

September 23, 2009

Panel Zero:I think now is a good time to point out the profound power that Mark Trail stores away in his Right Fist O' Justice (and possibly elsewhere). Any normal person, left to die, unconscious, next to a swamp teeming with alligators would probably just lie there and die. Not Mark Trail. In Panel 1, he's just lying there, his feet mere inches from the perilous waters. By Panel 2, his unconscious body has miraculously moved atleast the length of a healthy, adult alligator. Perhaps the Fist was pulling him along?

September 22, 2009

Panel 1:Yeah, you definitely want those alligators to digest ever last bit of Mark Trail before killing them and leaving their skinless corpses to rot in the swamp. No need to risk having a game warden cut open a poached alligator, discover a mysterious androgynous torso (and possibly some tiny appendages), and commence a homicide investigation.

Panel 2:Redemption! I always knew Bob had a heart of gold.

Panel 3: Didn't? Or don't?

September 21, 2009

Panel 1:Well, there's one obvious danger of dressing like a wildlife ranger....people think you're a wildlife danger. If Mark had been wearing a floral print Hawaiian shirt, I bet Sideburns McFacialhair would have thought twice about bashing him in the head.

Panel 2:Oh Bob, how quickly we have fallen.

Playing catchup and almost there!

2009-09-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

September 19, 2009

Panel 1:I see Sideburns McFacialhair has switched a more lethal weapon than a big stick. Good for him.

Panel 2:Bob, next time you talk to your stylist, you might ask him to dye your eyebrows, too. Otherwise, folks will know you're not a natural blond.

Panel 3:Bob's concern for Mark's health was certainly short-lived.

September 18, 2009

Panel 1:Nah, don't sweat it. A baseball bat to the back of the head? He'll be up in no time.

Panel 2:I see that alligator got into Rusty's "special grass."

September 17, 2009

Panel 1:WHAT?!?!? What can you see Mark?!?!?!

Panel 2:Oh. A red pashmina. Cool.

Panel 3:I'm afraid those action lines don't give us much clarity here. Did Sideburns McFacialhair just whack Mark on the back of the head with enough force to crush his skull, or did he whiff right over the top of his well-coiffed head?

September 16, 2009

Panel 1:Better buckle those pants, too, Mark.

Panel 2:Christ, another gigantic fucking bird. What kind of fucked up swamp is this?

September 15, 2009

Panel 1:Those two look just a little too happy in that picture.

Panel 2:"I'd better mop up this mess before I go out and check on it!"

Panel 3:Hmm...yes, because there's nothing more sensible than chasing down armed poachers in the middle of the night dressed in your ivory whites and ecrus.

September 14, 2009

Panel 1:"And I'll tie Sassy to that tree over there by the water."

Panel 2:"And be sure to put more of that special grass on the fire, too, Mark. You wouldn't happen to have a bag of marshmallows lying around, would you? A loaf of bread? Dry spaghetti? Fuck it. I'll just eat Sassy."

Panel 3:Why is Rusty draped in what appears to be the intestines of a very large cetacean?

September 12, 2009

Panel 1:"Of course, they'll never be able to find me, because my invisible feet don't leave foot prints. You, on the other hand, Mark, are screwed...even feet as small as yours are likely to leave footprints."

Panel 2:"And Rusty, here's a lesson you should never forget: I am the law."

September 11, 2009

Panel 1:"But, not just any old hook trap. My hook trap. I knew Sassy would come in handy one day!"

Panel 2:"Fortunately, Victorinox makes a Swiss Army knife small enough to fit my tiny hands! I just hope it can cut through the braided yarn I used to catch that beast!"

Panel 3:Apparently, they also dress all in beige sometimes, as well.

Quick and dirty.

2009-09-10T14:35:00.000-07:00

September 10, 2009

Panel 1:I've got nuthin'.

Panel 2:Hard to say, but judging from the picture, Sassy is about to become the angriest dog in the world.

Panel 3:"The skinless, rotting corpse of a poached alligator. Awesome!"

September 9, 2009

Panel 1:Clean what? Is this another disgusting NAMBLA induction ritual that you're proposing Mark?

Panel 2:Judging from the tension on Rusty's line, I'd say yes.

Tickle, tickle

2009-09-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

September 8, 2009

Panel 1:An admirable sentiment and one I cannot find anything to snark about...damn.

Panel 2:Damn straight, Bob. I don't have a cite for you, but I'm certain there's a law against flipping alligators on their back and tickling them with butter knives.

Panel 3:"Or, in your case, Bob, not working in the mill. You unemployed loser."

UPDATE: Aw, fuck. I just checked in at the Comic Curmudgeon and it turns out that Josh made basically the same joke for panel 2 today as I did...only earlier. Oh well, just letting y'all know I didn't cob from him.

September 7, 2009

Panel 1:You're really helping the kid there, Mark. Perhaps you should mention the gigantic mutated sucker-men who sneak up on campsites after dark and use their octopus arms to suck the lifeblood out of unsuspecting campers. That should really calm the Elf down.

Panel 2:Christ Almighty. I swear the Elf gets uglier every time the Jackelrod Sphere gives us a close-up.

Panel 3:Generally, it means someone just pulled a trigger.

September 5, 2009

Panel 1:"Otherwise, you're likely going to step in a pile of giant racoon shit. And let me tell you, that's no treat after they've been feasting on bivalves and cypress bark."

Panel 2:Maybe, maybe not, the real question here is what in the hell are you holding under your arm?

Or maybe the Virgin Mary...

2009-09-04T10:38:00.000-07:00

September 4, 2009

Panel 1: Um, can anyone tell me what it is that Seth Rogen there is supposed to be pointing at. A map? A photo? A giant tortilla with the face of Jesus in it? It can't be a USGS quad, because even with a 20 foot contour interval, that would be one hilly fucking swamp.

Panel 2: You know, I think we're starting to see the outlines of a plot here. Lots of alligators, alligator poachers, a good-hearted rural rustic with an employment issue, and Mark Trail with his Right Fist O' Justice. Ladies and germs, throw in one hyena pig as bait (and I mean really heave it in there so the alligators have something to fight over) and suddenly it seems like we might be in for a real hootenanny.

Panel 3: Hell, if I were Rusty, I'd be on the lookout for irritated comic bloggers seeking to launch that yappy vag (and his dog) into the gaping maw of the nearest crocadilian.

A litany of excuses

2009-09-03T07:13:00.000-07:00

Apologies to all for the late posting. Wife and baby have been sick, and I've had no time to catch up on Mark's latest "adventures."

September 3, 2009

Panel 1:Mark may be many things, but I would never, ever apply the term "old goat" to him. It implies a number of appellations which cannot conceivably ever apply to Mark Trail, including: horniness, age, wisdom, facial hair, a giant nut sack.

Panel 2:"And yes, Rusty is a gigantic vag for naming his dog (or possibly his mutant hyena-pig...I'm never really sure) something so overtly vag-arific as "Sassy." And when you hear that coming from a genderless boy-wonder like myself, you know it's serious."

Panel 3:You couldn't just call and ask?

September 2, 2009

Panel 1:"They're here..."

Panel 2:"Um...Mary...the TV just ate our child."

Panel 3:"You stay here in the tree."

September 1, 2009

Panel 1:"Of course, we'll be forced to feed you to the alligators so you don't blab on us, but really, what's a little death among friends?"

Panel 2:I'm confused, is Bob concerned that poaching is a felony that can land you in jail, or is Bob confused that poaching might piss of his wife?

August 31, 2009

Panel 1:Having stood up to count himself out, Bob returns to his log. Having stood up with Bob so he wouldn't feel lonely up there by himself, Mr. S-L-S returns to his prone position.

Panel 2:Hmmm... yes, that's quite the dilemma. It's a shame there's no possible way you could ever hunt alligators legally.

Panel 3:"Yeah, if you poach an alligator you could be convicted of a 'crocadilian related violation' and that's a one-way ticket to the slammer!"

August 29, 2009

Panel 1:"Of course, given the choice between looking for more mill work and lounging around in the swamp, we prefer to lounge around in the swamp."

Panel 2:You know, Mr. Suspiciously-Long-Sideburns, if you got off your dead ass and stood up, you'd only be up to your shins in alligators.

Panel 3:Oh, Bob, you silly boy, you're so cute and innocent.

August 28, 2009

Panel 1:Little shit. Just rub it in a little more for your poor dad that he's an unemployed loser who can't provide for his family.

Panel 2:Wow, very Zen Bob, very Zen.

Panel 3:"You have three tries to guess what it is we're thinking. And here's a hint: It doesn't involve cowboy boots, massage oil, and a 10" monkey wrench."

In which I insult inbred, "values"-voting, gap-toothed, swamp-delling, southern rednecks everywhere by comparing them to Republicans

2009-08-27T04:39:00.000-07:00

August 27, 2009

Panel 1:Why is it that every time the Jackelrod Sphere draws a child it ends up looking either like some sort of deformed abomination:

or, as evidenced here, a manequin doll.

Panel 2:Oooh. Foreshadowing. What could turn up in a "southern swamp?" In the real world, that would be your median Republican voter (i.e., an inbred, gap-toothed, evangelical, "values"-voting redneck). In the world of the Jackelrod Sphere, I'm going to guess that it's hidden pirate treasure!

Panel 3:"Plus, here in our swampy paradise, we have all the possum meat you could care to eat!"

The Dark Crystal?

2009-08-26T05:00:00.000-07:00

August 26, 2009

Panel 1:"No, you little fool, I just wanted to raise your hopes up just a little higher so I can revel in your pain when I stomp on them mercilessly! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!"

Panel 2:BLAURGH! I really need to stop reading this strip in the morning. I need an empty stomach when faced with the hideous visage of this misshapen elf.

Panel 3:Hmmm...unemployed, working class dude with a blue shirt. I think we've seen this before. I trust the Jackelrod Sphere has learned its lesson and we'll now be treated to a series of scenes of unallayed domestic bliss as Bob and his steadfast wife and child labor against insurmountable odds to find him gainful employment in this soured economy. As for a villain, this may be an instance where Bob is driven down the path of iniquity by the dire exigency of his family's circumstances only to be redeemed by the affectless machinations of our androgynous hero or, perhaps, there's an unforeseen criminal element lurking in the next few strips whom, we can only hope, Mark will ultimately be able to pound into helpless submission.

Three days in a morning.

2009-08-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

August 25, 2009

Panel 1:"Nah, most of the wildlife managed to avoid the leaking drums (unlike our friend Percival). It's those darned pesky chemicals the animals can't avoid."

Panel 2:"I'll give you 20% off your next clean-up if you're not completely satisfied!"

Panel 3:"It's just a darn shame that I didn't get to punch anybody."

August 24, 2009

Panel 1:"I thought they had harnessed the magical efficiencies of the free market and were exporting the waste to China for low-cost "treatment."

Panel 2:I see Mark Trail has a competitor in the Tiniest Hands on the Comic Pages contest. And won't the owner of that hand be surprised when he finds there's not much under those tight khaki pants.

August 22, 2009

Panel 1:Today's strip starts out innocuously. Sheriff Fred Gwynne (dressed in his light blue summer uniform), takes the logical step of putting a mob shooter and his victim under guard. So far, so good.

Panel 2:And then the Jackelrod Sphere sends in the circus clowns. Come again? Homeland Security? Prosecuting environmental polluters? WTF? Yeah, maybe if this was an oil spill, and it was in the 200-mile EEZ, and the Coast Gaurd was exercising its enforcement authority under the Oil Pollution Act of 1990. But, clearly this isn't the case so, I reiterate, WTF?

Lost love.

2009-08-21T07:19:00.000-07:00

August 21, 2009

Panel 1:"But I think you'll need to do a bit more digging to figure out if he was, in fact, the man who shot Liberty Valance."

Panel 2:"I'm sure that will give you the necessary clues, because everyone knows that hardened criminals use their personal vehicles when conducting a hit."

Panel 3:Weird picture here. Judging from the lighting, Mark is actually staring into a klieg light. Perhaps the last few weeks have actually been a dramatic rendering of actual events from Mark's past and he's about to launch into "A Boy Like That."

META-POST: A Response to Comments

2009-08-20T08:37:00.000-07:00

Click here to see a BIG BLACK COCK!

Many thanks to Ace Buttockio for his suggestions for making this blog even more wholesome and family-friendly than it already was!

Oh well, looks like Percival kept his head.

2009-08-20T05:06:00.000-07:00

August 20, 2009

Panel 1:"Great! That means there's still time to punch him before he dies!"

Panel 2:"...which then splashed a bunch of toxic waste across the right side of your face. That stinging sensation you're feeling is the toxic waste dissolving your flesh. Would you mind turning your head to the right a little bit, so I don't get any on my fist when I punch you?"

Panel 3:You know, Percival, a simple brick through the window or a horse's head in his bed would have had the same effect.

Meta-Post: The Power of Mink

2009-08-19T10:57:00.001-07:00

A couple of days ago, Sitemeter started showing a spike in folks accessing this blog. Invariably, these folks would be linking to this post. I couldn't figure it out, so I Googled the words "black mink," which I had used for my hyperlink. Under the images returned is the same picture I originally linked to. If you click on the picture provided in Google, however, it takes you to this blog instead of the original photo. Weird. So, to all you unwitting web surfers who have made your way to this site via the power of The Google, I salute you...with a picture of a black mink:

A couple of hypotheticals.

2009-08-19T05:16:00.000-07:00

August 19, 2009

Panel 1:Okay, perhaps the JS wasn't breaking new ground in the role of toxic waste in the comic book world. Instead, it was just plain old "vibrations" and gravity doing the good work.

Panel 2:Wow, that round barrel has some serious sharp edges. It appears to have lopped off the top, left quadrant of Percival's head. Poor guy. Looks like he's going to take up architecture or something right-brained from now on.

Panel 3:I like the total lack of affect in Mark's eyes here. It's like he's saying what he thinks people should say when they see a partial decapitation, but he's pretty much feeling empty on the inside.

August 18, 2009

Panel 1:Let's say you're out hunting. Let's say you're sitting in your deer stand and a deer ambles into your range of fire. Do you a) shout out a warning that you're about to shoot at him, or b) silently take aim and pull the trigger? Just saying.

Panel 2:Let's say you're walking through the woods when an escaped convict with a high-powered rifle takes a shot at you. Let's say you ascend a steep cliff to escape the convict and, when standing on the cliff outlined against a bright blue sky, the convict aims his rifle at you again. Do you a) adopt a heroic pose and shout "DUCK!", or b) drop to the ground and keep the lip of the cliff between you and the convict? Just saying.

Panel 3:It's a fairly standard convention of comics, that the evils of toxic waste act through a third party (see e.g., Chemo or Joker). Today, however, the Jackelrod Sphere smashes that convention and actually has the toxic waste throwing itself on Percival Carrington. Nice.

Clearing the vay-cay backlog.

2009-08-17T12:58:00.000-07:00

August 17, 2009

Panel 1:Crazy like a gender-less fox!

Panel 2:Finally, you stupid git. Like I said, just shoot his ass and get out of there. This time, though, take the road.

August 15, 2009

Panel 1:I don't know Mark, let's check the next panel.

Panel 2:He does!

Panel 3:Nice to see Andy has shrunk back to his "normal" size. Also, kudos to the Jackelrod Sphere for not relying on the tired, but family-friendly, "What the hey?" instead opting to allow us to mentally fill-in the "e Fuck?"

August 14, 2009

Panel 1:Oh yes, that's a fine idea. You can jump out and shout "Surprise! while tackling the guy."

Panel 2:Like I said, total douche. Just shoot the asshole and run already.

August 13, 2009

Panel 1:What? You're going to shoot him with a sedative dart?

Panel 2:That, or you've stumbled upon a confused hunter trying to get four and twenty blackbirds for his pie.

Panel 3:Why? How does his mental state impact your likely course of action? Not at all, my androgynous friend, not at all. You're going to hunt his ass down and pummel him regardless of whether he intended to kill, or merely maim.

August 12, 2009

Panel 1:"So I'd better climb high enough that his bullets can't reach me!"

Panel 2:"But wait! What's this? That larch over there has a moustache. Finally! A suspect!"

Panel 3:Okay, I'll admit it, apart from the ridiculous image of Mark clinging to the giant half-dead tree in the background, this is a pretty good picture.

August 11, 2009

Panel 1:Everything I've read so far leads me to believe that I was correct in initially assuming that our friend Percival here is a Brit. I mean, who the fuck uses "blasted" as an adjective if not the Brits?

Panel 2:Or something... Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!!

Panel 3:OK. Someone. Someone stupid enough to think that climbing the highest tree in a forest will somehow allow you to see through the canopy below.

August 10, 2009

Panel 1:I'm sure Mark's tiny loafers are well-suited for climbing trees that are dead from the waist up.

Panel 2:It's a shame those tiny loafers aren't armed with tiny machine guns so he can hold off the giant man-eating crows.

August 8, 2009

Panel 1:Why, so you don't have to shoot him again? This may be the single most inane piece of dialogue I've read so far in Mark Trail. And let me tell you, I've read a lot of inane dialogue.

Panel 2:Christ, what a douche.

Panel 3:Holy Fucked-up Perspective, Batman! The Jackelrod Sphere should believe everything it reads on the internet.

Maybe he'll find some teeth and hair...

2009-08-07T06:50:00.000-07:00

August 7, 2009

Panel 1:Um...Ms. Williams...Do you really think the police aren't involved yet? I can't say for certain, but from my extensive experience (watching E.R. and House) I feel safe saying that hospitals report gun-shot victims to the police and the police usually follow up on such things. Even if The Mullet tells them nothing, Mark Trail is sure to have something to say.

Panel 2:Actually, Joey, if you want to be in full compliance with the law, you can't let them dump the waste at all. They need to bring the waste to a properly permitted storage and handling facility. Dingleberry.

Panel 3:Ah, yes, the classic "going in circles" trope. I wonder if the Jackelrod Sphere knows that "going in circles" is not a literal reference to people wandering in circles? In fact, when people are lost, they're more likely to wander about like Billy in Family Circus.

Now that's talent!

2009-08-06T07:18:00.000-07:00

August 6, 2009

Panel 1:Dude, they're the mob. They own restaurants. You could have just washed dishes like Pee Wee Herman.

Panel 2:Something has been bugging me about this (and it's not the squirrel that can talk to his own ass). Presumably, WCC had a contract with their previous waste hauler. So what happened to that contract? Did Joey the Mullet just happen to default on his mob debts at the same time that contract reached its term? Or did the Mullet go ahead and break the original contract. If so, how come Ms. Williams didn't find out. You don't just cancel a contract, no harm no foul. There's penalties to be paid for something like that. I'm afraid this just doesn't add up. Unless, of course, the mob is threatening the previous hauler too. Hmm...

Scent of a Man.

2009-08-04T09:09:00.000-07:00

August 5, 2009

Panel 1:"Our toxic waste has transformed me into a mermaid, and now it's polluting the waters of Lost Forest. Pretty soon, the place will be filled with mer-squirrels, mer-deer and mer-wolves. What are you going to do about it?"

Panel 2:Oh no! I flying mer-sparrow!

Panel 3:Really? Why not? If Joey the Mullet is the only connection to these people and there's no way to identify who shipped and dumped the materials, then killing him would, in fact, be a good strategy. Of course, if he's got a super-secret file detailing his relationship with Percival and his Chinese overlords (or some other fount of information that will survive his death), then maybe Mark is correct.

August 4, 2009,

Panel 1:Yes, indeed, Mark. Whenever I set cars on fire to hide evidence of my recent murder attempt, I tend to hang around and see what happens next. You'll probably find Percival hanging out behind a nearby tree eating a crumpet.

Panel 2:"Mmmm...I can even catch a whiff of his British Sterling."

Panel 3:Um, what's going on in that room behind the doctor? It looks like someone just tossed a grenade through the window into the lap of the convalescing man.

But where's all the black people?

2009-08-03T04:55:00.000-07:00

August 3, 2009,

Panel 1:I've said it before, I'll say it again. Mark Trail is a regular Sherlock Fucking Holmes. I mean look at this brilliant leap of logic he just took! Truly, a giant among men...

Panel 2:And in addition to his awe-inspiring intellect, Mark is blessed with a keen sense of smell (even without the patented Trail-o-Schnoz).

Panel 3:"Oh noes! I somehow ended up in Harlem in 1976!"

Late to the races...

2009-07-30T19:30:00.001-07:00

August 1, 2009

Panel 1:"Or so says the Trail-o-vision..."

Panel 2:"And once you do, hunt that murderous fucker down and tear out his throat!!!"

Panel 3:Mmm... yes, a totally unpredictable twist in the plot. Who could have seen this coming? Not me!

July 31, 2009

Panel 1:This panel clearly suggests that Mark met Joey the Mullet, took him to the drums, saw him get shot, took him to the hospital, and went back out to the drums all in the course of a morning. Call me crazy, but that doesn't really jibe with, you know, time.

Panel 2:The Jackelrod Sphere might want to take refresher course in English grammar. The use of the same pronoun to refer to two different people in the same sentence doesn't really work that well.

July 30, 2009

Panel 1:"Using my patented Trail-o-vision, I should be able to trace the trajectory of the bullet and determine where our shooter was standing."

Panel 2:"Thank you Trail-o-vision! Now, if only I had that dadblasted Trail-o-schnoz. I need to hurry up and eat the rest of that case of Cocoa Crispies and send off for it!"

Panel 3:Meh, I've got nothing.

July 29, 2009

Panel 1:Mark, you could just wait for the doctor to dig the two leads out of Joey the Mullet's chest.

Panel 2:That sparrow seems to be infested with bird mites who are familiar with the Trailian oeuvre. I have to say, though, that the stomach-dwelling might seems to be kind of a smart ass.

Panel 3:"Are you threatening me?"

I'm a dipshit, too. [Updated 7/31]

2009-07-29T05:47:00.000-07:00

Before jumping into the fray, I want to apologize for the lag time in posting recently. Work has been crazy and I've been trying to rectify that by a) doing my work, and b) finding a new job. I expect things to return to normal in a few weeks, at which point I will be able, once again, to assail your delicate sensibilities on a daily basis. Oh yeah, and I'm going away on vacation the week of August 8-15. If anyone has even the most fleeting desire to fill in while I'm gone, let me know via email.

Also, it would appear that Mark Trail is currently unavailable on the intertubes, so I had to stop mid-strip on the 28th. I'll finish this once I get access again.

July 28, 2009

Panel 1:Hmmm...two shots from a rifle to Joey the Mullet's upper, left torso and Mark concludes that Percival didn't want to kill him. Are you fucking for real? If Percy was aiming for the heart, he was definitely trying to kill Joey the Mullet. Of course, given that he was using a .177 airgun, he probably didn't do much more than leave a couple of welts. So, I take that back, maybe Mark is right....or Percival is a dipshit.

Panel 2:STOP THE PRESSES! MARK TRAIL HAS USED A CONJUNCTION!

Panel 3:Hmmm...yes. Perhaps that eyeless Amazonian with the bottle of bluing can pick up her bow and arrow and protect the Mullet for a while.

July 27, 2009

Panel 1:There's no way out, except through Mark.

Panel 2:And all that stands between the viewer and some much needed R&R in front of a TV playing Maury Povich reading a 6-year old magazine on anal fistulas is Ms. Williams and a giant, eyeless Amazonian who seems intent on bluing our hair.

Panel 3:"Apparently they are somehow involved in the reason..." What the fuck language is that? It's like machine language translated into Japanese via Babelfish and then back into English by Google Translator. Hey, Jackelrod Sphere, here's a tip: the mob does not get involved in reasons, the mob provides reasons.

Saturday succotash.

2009-07-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

July 25, 2009

Panel 1:Tiny hand, giant head.

Panel 2:Giant hand, tiny head.

Panel 3:Inquisitive green anole.

July 24, 2009

Panel 1:You know, if you want to keep a low profile and stay hidden, setting a car on fire is probably not a great idea. Even waaaaaay out in a vast wilderness like Lost Forest, someone is going to see the smoke...

Panel 2:Unless you fall in the ravine, first.

July 23, 2009

Panel 1:It wasn't obvious yesterday, but this "ditch" that Percival keeps referring to appears to run perpendicular to the direction of the road. I wonder if Mark dug it there so as to trap any unsuspecting British huntsmen driving around in boxy, 2WD sedans?

Panel 2:You know Percival, if you didn't spend so much time stroking the...um...I believe you call it a boot where you come...So, as I was saying, if you didn't spend so much lovingly stroking the boot of your getaway vehicle, there might be fewer fingerprints for you to worry about.

Panel 3:Faithful readers, would anyone care to wager that the Jackelrod Sphere intends to take Percival's exclamation here literally? I bet that by Monday, Our Man Percival is lost and hungry in the woods, and is going to need to get saved by Our Androgyne Mark in order that Mark can than proceed to punch the daylights out of him.

He ain't no Borges.

2009-07-22T04:55:00.000-07:00

July 22, 2009

Panels 1 & 2:Has anyone ever read (or seen) Cujo? If you have, you'll remember the book's primary action turns on a woman and a son getting trapped in her broken-down Pinto station wagon by a giant, slavering St. Bernard (that would be Cujo). Clearly, Percival Carrington here is having flashbacks to Cujo. Panicked at the sight of the giant, slavering squirrel clambering down a nearby Sequoia, he gets his car stuck in the mud.

Panel 3: And, driven mad by fear, Percival begins to narrate his misadventures outloud. Unfortunately for us, Percival is dumb as a fucking post and spends most of the time describing things so self-evident they should generally be left unsaid.

Three-whiskey two-step

2009-07-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

July 21, 2009

Panel 1:Mark, driving a jeep tiny enough to match his tiny, tiny feet, flushes a bevy of gigantic quail. I believe this provides further evidence for my assertion that Lost Forest is, in fact, and island and an evolutionary backwater.

Panel 2:Well, Percival, I think you've got an excellent head start in your quest for anonymity. Stealing Joey the Mullet's nondescript, brown sedan was an excellent first move. Lose the toy gun and the regulation 100% orange hunting outfit and you could definitely pass for a good guy (what with your distinct lack of facial hair and standard GI haircut).

So fucking slow.

2009-07-20T07:12:00.000-07:00

July 20, 2009

Panel 1:Percival couldn't leave well-enough alone, and had to go shoot the poor slob. Now he's got an atomic wedgie and a sucking chest wound. Sucks to be a hard-up gambler, that's for sure.

Panel 2:Christ, that motherfucker is dense.

Panel 3:Or maybe he's bullet-proof. The fact that some unknown assailant just shot his mullet-headed friend there doesn't seem to phase Mark in the least. Apparently, he's going to amble off to the jeep with that slab of meat like he's taking a walk down to the local ice cream shop.

July 18, 2009

Panel 1:I'm thinking that Percival came to this assassination with a toy gun. I don't know how else to explain its incongruous size.

Panel 2:On the other hand, if your toy gun fires incendiary rounds strong enough to cause toxic waste to explode, does it matter that it's a toy? Of course, we may not be witnessing the results of Percival Carrington's shot. It could be that Mark is resorting to his old Jedi tricks and just used the Force (look at his right hand!) to give Joey the Mullet the wedgie to end all wedgies.

July 17, 2009

Panel 1:Apparently, guilt is an excellent hair tonic. Joey the Mullet's eponymous hair-do appears to be increasing in size and lushness.

Panel 2:Or, perhaps, guilt just transforms you into Michael Landon. I'm not sure.

Panel 3:Percival, that .17 HMR, while packing a punch, seems a tad small for the game you're hunting.

Spot of tea with that mink?

2009-07-16T05:40:00.000-07:00

July 16, 2009

Panel 1:"Man, the only drums I have are a djembe and a set of bongos. I've been set up. Can we go back to my place and smoke some dope, cause this place is killing my buzz."

Panel 2:Those damn buzzards are back. Looks like something bad is about to happen.

Panel 3:And here it is! Percival Carrington popped out for a bit of hunting and, mistaking Joey's mullet for an elusive black mink, is about to let loose with both barrels of his Purdey & Son side by side!

The Birds!

2009-07-15T06:25:00.000-07:00

July 15, 2009

Panel 1:"Which, you will note, I am not currently sitting in because I am towing it behind this brown, hard-top sedan."

Panel 2:Ummm...Mark...about your legal theory. Prosecution for illegal waste handling is what occurs when the government has evidence that a person has caused to transport, transported or disposed of hazardous waste without a permit or in violation of a permit. Prosecution involves the presentation of that evidence so a judge or jury may determine if the person is, in fact, responsible for those illegal actions. If the person is found responsible and convicted of the crime, then they are penalized. You, my friend, seem to have mixed this all up.

Now, maybe your mistake lies in some discomfort you may have about the word "penalize." Rest assured, penalization has nothing to do with male genitalia (atleast in this context), and is all about convicted malfeasors paying money and serving jail time.

On a totally unrelated note, Mark, I'm coming to believe that birds play a symbolic role in your life. Right now, there's a black vulture floating over Joey the Mullet's jeep. I think someone is telling you two that you're going to be dead soon.

Rhetorically speaking...no.

2009-07-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

July 14, 2009

Panel 1:I'm beginning to question Ms. Williams' intelligence. Does she really think that her hapless brother has the ability to take care of his gangster buds? If he did, wouldn't he have done so already?

Panel 2:Hmmm...I see she's bought into the whole Mark Trail = the Federal Government fallacy.

Panel 3:"More specifically, I'll ask him if he as any last words he'd like to share while my gangster friends measure him for his new concrete shoes."

July 13, 2009

Panel 1:Now that's certitude! I also like how the Jackelrod Sphere uses dramatic bolding to capture the concept of individual liability for corporate officers.

Panel 2:I take it Ms. Williams' question is a rhetorical gambit to highlight her initial assertion?

Panel 3:Wait. What? If you don't use the mob to ship waste, you'll get killed; if you go to the police, you'll get killed; if you go to Mark Trail you'll go to jail. This only makes sense if Mark Trail is, in fact, the federal government. Since he's not, this is gibberish.

July 11, 2009

Panel 1:I'm sorry, what? I was distracted by the silhouette of the person in the background preparing to shoot a patron in the head with his tommy gun. You crazy mobsters and your crazy mobster night clubs.

Panel 2:I see Mark has contracted out his interrogation work to a flock of geese who, it would appear, can talk out of their cloacae.

First Taiwan, now the Moon!

2009-07-10T06:13:00.000-07:00

July 10, 2009

Panel 1:"I mean, do you know how hard it is to find a pay phone these days?"

Panel 2:"I'd much rather meet you at the poker table where, I'll admit, you'd probably beat the pants off me, but where I could atleast feed this powerful gambling addiction I have without having to worry that you'd come kill me if I didn't pay up all that money I lost to you. Oh, and by the way, I love your mood-handkerchief. I see you're feeling a little sad right now."

Panel 3:Holy Fuck! The Asian mob have taken over the Moon, too!

Ace? That bird?

The Yellow Peril

2009-07-09T07:35:00.000-07:00

July 9, 2009

Panel 1:Um, dude, remember yesterday? You're going to tell him NOTHING. When faced with the sort of forceful interrogation you're likely to receive from our "man" Mark Trail, I find it's best to stick your fingers in your ears and shout "Nah-nah-nah, I'm not listening, nah-nah-nah" until he lets up.

Panel 2:Or you could lure him out to the dump site where (and please note the Jackelrod Sphere's use of artistic symbolism here) you can swoop down on him like an owl on a meadow vole, rend him limb from limb, ingest his steaming carcass, and poop him out later in a neat little pellet of hair, teeth and bones. Awesome.

Panel 3:Hmmm... yellow dialog bubble. What does this mean? Is the mobster taking a leak in the bathroom of some dimly-lit italian restaurant? Has the mobster developed a case of sudden-onset jaundice so bad his speech is yellow? Wait, I know! This is the Jackelrod Sphere's retrograde way of telling us that Joey the Mullet has been dealing with Asian mobsters!

Another sample stolen from Hideous Ties-R-Us

2009-07-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

July 8, 2009

Panel 1:Is it me, or does Ms. Williams hand look absurdly tiny on Mark's shoulder? It's like he's wearing a giant, inflatable jacket or something.

Panel 2:Well, gosh, that should certainly clear your record Mr. Mullet. Who knew it was so easy to disclaim one's involvement in a criminal conspiracy?

Panel 3:Oh, come on now. No mobster worth a bucket of warm spit (or more!) would resort to such bland legalisms as "I would advise you to not say anything." If this dude were the real deal, when faced with Joey the Mullet spilling the beans, he'd threaten to choke him on his own testicles or something. At least Joey had the presence of mind to track down a pay phone to call his non-threatening mobster friend. That way, he'll only have to listen to him for $0.35 worth of advice, or however much it takes to make a call on a pay phone these days.

The Lumpenproletariat

2009-07-07T08:36:00.000-07:00

July 7, 2009

Panel 1:Mark is that an ironic because-we're-eating-at-50s-era-big-band-dining-club-in-2009 "fancy" or an unironic I-and-my-creator-are-so-completely-detached-from-reality-that-we-think-1957-defined-fancy-once-and-for-all "fancy"?

Panel 2:You know what? This dialogue doesn't improve if you replace "Mr. Trail" with "Mr. Bond."

Panel 3:Mmmm, yes. Because only environmentalists are concerned when they stumble across a pile of leaking drums in the woods. The rest of us sodden lumps would look at them, idly scratch our gonads, suddenly wonder whether anybody has a Twinkie we might eat or whether we should go to Wal-mart right now to buy a box, just as quickly forget what we were thinking about, and then wander off humming the latest hit single from Kris Allen and picking our nose.

Post-4th Catch-up.

2009-07-06T07:18:00.000-07:00

July 6, 2009

Panel 1:Blah, blah, blah, recap, blah, blah, blah.

Panel 2:Blah, blah, blah, blind patriarchal condescension, blah, blah, blah.

Panel 3:Blah, blah, blah, suspicious bat eyes, blah, blah, blah.

July 4, 2009

Panel 1:"Maybe he can do something about this hair of yours."

Panel 2:Paddy, the Blue-Backed Woodthrush likes to store his insects under the protective cover of the Giant Clover here in the Land of the Lost Forest, where even tiny fungi grow to titanic proportions.

July 3, 2009

Panel 1:While there still remains some question as to the identity of the mobsters who ship waste for these yahoos, the real mystery is who is stroking Joey the Mullet's pomaded locks in this panel.

Panel 2:Dead. Jail... Dead. Jail... You know what Mr. Mullet, I'd take the latter.

Panel 3:If she were a smart CEO, she'd turn his ass in after having "found evidence" of his violation of the owner/operator provisions in RCRA. He'd take the heat for the crime, but he'd be safe from his mob friends and WCC would probably only get a slap on the wrist for not managing their environmental program better. But, she's not a smart CEO, she's just a bit player in the drama that is Mark Trail. This means that she's going to call Mark in for help, he's going to beat the Mob into a pulp, clean up Lost Forest, and return home to a day's worth of maudlin dialogue before sprinting on to his next adventure that will, hopefully, remove him far from Cherry's amorous advances.

Your life or your waste!

2009-07-02T04:38:00.000-07:00

July 2, 2009

Panel 1:Ahem. [blushes modestly]

Panel 2:Finally! The close-up of the hair we've all been waiting for! Look at it. Joey the Mullet has enough pomade on the top four-fifths of his head to lube a Yugo. On the bottom fifth, though, the man has let his inner yakuza loose and punch-permed his mullet into the shape of a well-pruned shrubbery.

Panel 3:A world of shit, lady, a world of shit.

If it's Joe Pesce...

2009-07-01T05:08:00.000-07:00

July 1, 2009

Panel Zero:Okay, I'll admit right now that I'm actually enjoying this story arc. Sure, the whole gambling thing was fairly predictable, but Ms. Williams remains an engima. The Jackelrod Sphere has actually done a good job (gasp!) depicting a character whose motivations are murky and who seems to be treading a fine line between malfeasance and innocence. Of course, we're only on the 7th week of this plot so there's plenty of time for Ms. Williams to devolve into a charicature, but I'll give credit where credit's due. That said, I reserve the right to erase this post (and replace it with merciless mocking of the giant panthersquirrel in Panel 2) if the local capo shows up and is some short, swarthy dude in a pin-striped suit and fedora....

Duck. Goose. Whatever.

2009-06-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

Panel 1:Oh-ho-ho, it's all becoming clear now. Mullet Man here had no choice but to change companies. Ladies and germs, when you think coercion and waste hauling, what comes to mind? La Cosa Nostra! And what else does La Cosa Nostra do? They run gambling rackets. So, let me make a little prediction here: Joey the Mullet (his Mafia name) ran up a big gambling debt. He couldn't pay up. His local crime boss made him an offer he couldn't refuse (i.e., "Use my hauling services or I'll break your knees."). Joey the Mullet switched waste transporters. Voile!

I am excited, of course, because if I'm right, we might finally get to see some of that patented Mark Trail fistin...er...fist-fighting. The last couple of story arcs have been disappointing for their notable lack of pugilism. Maybe that's about to change.

Panel 2:[Cue ill-conceived AFLAC joke.]

Panel 3:"Ummm... because you would have said no and Vinnie of the Mountains would have broken my knees."

Number one, or number two? You decide.

2009-06-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

Monday, June 29, 2009

Panel 1:Joey's hair is just so awesome. It's my professional opinion that in the pantheon of wicked bad hair (and I use that totally ironically), he has only one competitor for the number one slot.

Panel 2:In focusing on Joey's hair in the last panel, I neglected to mention that Ms. Williams is apparently a huge fan of blind leaps of illogic. According to her, since Joey said he did not know about the dumping at Lost Forest but did change their waste transporter, he must be lying. Huh? Call me crazy, but changing one's waste transporter is hardly irrefutable proof that a person is an illegal polluter. On the other hand, she could have said, "Joey, you told me that you didn't know about any dumping. And now I learn that you have a heavily-permed mullet." Had she said that, then I think she would have the irrefutable proof she's looking for.

Panel 3:Po, sad widdle Joey.

Friday, June 27, 2009

Panel 1:Check out the fucked up flipper on Ms. Williams. I'd make a tasteless Thalidomide joke, but this really evokes the post-apocalyptic evolution of Vonnegut's Galapagos rather than the more mundane mid-20th century industrial birth defect.

Panel 2:Blue back, spotted belly. What the fuck bird is that? Ace? Also, it's clear that our flipperized hostess here has no idea that she's dealing with a androgyne completely unsusceptible to emotional manipulation. He's either on (i.e., providing a beatdown) or off (i.e., affectlessly investigating environmental crimes). A dinner invite will NOT butter our hero up.

We need a better class of overlord.

2009-06-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

June 26, 2009

Panel 1:Yeah, like that last one used to like, you know, follow the law.

Panel 2:Man, check out that factory. It's like a vision from 1875. Wooden water tower, grain silos, the works! You have to wonder why the Jackelrod Sphere, in all its omnipotence, can't draw a fucking non-dated picture. Cars from the 1970s, phones from the 1960s, decor from an entirely different dimension, and factories from the pre-Progressive Era. Just once, I'd like to see Mark Trail appear in a scene that my grandfather wouldn't find familiar.

Panel 3:And speaking of the fallibility of the Jackelrod Sphere, what kind of half-ass deity uses the same panel twice in three days?

What's another word for gigantic marsupial?

2009-06-25T07:02:00.000-07:00

June 25, 2009

Panel 1:"Yes, Joey. I have learned that his name, Joey, is another word for a baby kangaroo. I have thus concluded that your brother is a kangaroo, and I desperately want to see his pocket. Bring him to me."

Panel 2:Oooh, feigning innocence. The plot thickens.

Panel 3:Again with the desperate twelve-year old schtick. Totally unbecoming of a androgyne of his stature. Also, what's up with Ms. Williams upper lip?

Wanna, like, hold hands and stuff?

2009-06-24T06:18:00.000-07:00

June 24, 2009

Panel 1:In a failed effort to ensure that dialog balloons appear in chronological order(no doubt founded on the notion that its readership is pig-fucking-ignorant and unable to discern chronology from context), the Jackelrod Sphere has given us what appears to be a conversation between the door jamb and the door casing. As it turns out, even these bits of inanimate millwork use inappriate bolding in their speech. Real humans would probably put the emphasis on "he", not "what" in that second balloon.

Panel 2:Mark appears to be attempting some witty repartee here. As one would expect, it fails and he comes across like a semi-literate 12-year old.

Panel 3:And here, he looks just a tad too eager to tell Ms. Williams what he found. I'm beginning to think that these are Mark's feeble attempts at leveraging his knowledge into a little kissy-kissy wiht Ms. Williams. While this runs contrary to everything we know about him and his androgynous life, how else can we explain Mark's child-like demeanor?

She didn't not say that she wasn't involved.

2009-06-23T04:47:00.000-07:00

June 23, 2009

Panel 1:As an attorney, I find Mark's choice of words here a bit odd. Ms. Williams "didn't admit knowing anything"? That's wrong. She actually "denied knowing anything" and that, my androgynous friend, is a significant distinction. Had Ms. Williams could have remained mute, talked about the weather, or recited the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner and, in each case, she would have been not admitting that she knew anything. However, Ms. Williams did none of those things. Instead, she took the pro-active, affirmative step of explicitly saying that she knew nothing of the dumping. This can only mean one of two things. Either she really doesn't know about the dumping, or she does and she's actively engaged in hiding it. There is no middle ground, so I have to wonder why Mark is pussyfooting around that fact.

Panel 2:Steelhead?

Panel 3:Wow, that's some serious insecurity. It's also an inredibly long right arm. Or, perhaps Howdy-Doody decided to join in for a group hug. Either way, it's just not natural!

The JS needs to take a Mulligan.

2009-06-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

June 22, 2009

Panel 1:"He did mumble something about private property...maybe that helps?"

Panel 2:I would like to point out that in Saturday's panel 2 and panel 3 and today's panel 1, Mr. Transporter Guy is sporting a natty blue shirt and striped tie. In this panel, he has donned a blue jacket over a white shirt. Continuity error, or should he and Mark be smoking cigarettes now?

Panel 3:I have nothing to say about this panel...really...nothing.

June 20, 2009

Panel 1:"My...um...Spidey Sense...is um...telling me to look there."

Panel 2:It's a miracle!

Panel 3:Mm. Let me guess. He thought the old man wasn't making as much money as he should have, and decided to find a way to boost their profits. Not quite the chip off the old block that Old Man Williams had wished for, I'm sure. Needless to say, I think my prediction about the equivalency of mullets and moustaches will be borne out.

Fuck this disposal shit, I need an 8-ball!

2009-06-19T05:49:00.000-07:00

June 19, 2009

Panel 1: Sigh. No moustache. BUT! He's got a mullet! And hair that hangs below a man's collar is a sure sign that he's an atheist, a homosexual, a communist and a hippie. And given that his tie is commiting crimes against humanity as we sit here, I'd say that Mullet Man here is ripe for the punching!

Panel 2: "Well, sis, all I can say is I thought I was dumping that stuff on public property."

Panel 3:Wow, that's not just a party going on in back there; that's like a full-blown, red-carpet caligulaean bacchanale. I think I'm getting a contact high just looking at Mullet Man's hair.

Bad or badder?

2009-06-18T05:45:00.000-07:00

June 18, 2009

Panel 1:Hmmm... Ms. Williams seems a little subdued. A few minutes (i.e., days) ago, she was asking Mark to leave his resume and get out. Perhaps the prospect of jail time and massive fines are killing her urge to be sassy.

Panel 2:Fortunately for Ms. Williams, Mark Trail just broke the #1 rule of environmental enforcement, "NEVER announce an inspection." Actually, I suppose that's the #1 rule for any kind of enforcement. That shit's not rocket science, you know. If you want to find your kid's stash, do you tell him that you're going to search his drawer for drugs next Wednesday? Hell no, you barge up there and start looking right then. Why? Because any half-baked (or in my case, fully-baked) teenager knows to destroy or otherwise remove the evidence before the search starts. Corporate malfeasors aren't any different, they're just richer.

Panel 3:The acid test is coming folks. If Ms. Williams is on the side of sweetness and light, she'll grill her brother and then club him to death with her 50s era intercom; if Ms. Williams is aligned with the forces of darkness, she'll tell him to go clean the site up before the feds arrive. What do you think?

Office finery.

2009-06-17T06:46:00.000-07:00

June 17, 2009

Panel 1:Damn, those are some fine curtains Ms. Williams has hanging in her office. Fine curtains. I wish my office had such nice curtains. Heck, I wish my office had curtains at all. If it did, I could lower them and no one would be able to see me dozing off as I try to think of something witty to say about this utterly mundane panel.

Panel 2:Behold the wonders of nature, as ~~Shemp the Farting Sparrow~~Winthrop the Windy Woodpecker continues his interrogation of Ms. Williams.

Panel 3:I see Ms. Williams has been well-trained by her attorneys. When all else fails, deny, deny, deny.

Bring in the BOLDS!

2009-06-16T06:09:00.000-07:00

June 16, 2009

Panel 1:"Because I don't have the faintest clue what the law says, so it's just a whole lot easier for me to come here and shout a bunch about your drums."

Panel 2:"...and you know I'm telling the truth because only truth-tellers can have a gaze as piercing as the gaze I'm giving you now."

Panel 3:Awesome. Totally. Fucking. Awesome. In the annals of weird-ass bolding, today will loom large. Bolding, of course, denotes emphasis. So, when the Jackelrod Sphere gives one-letter bolds to Mark, it means Mark is, more or less, shouting the first syllable of each word. If you could hear him speak, this panel would sound like:

"Wuh-illiams Cuh-emical Cuh-ompany!"

I'm guess that Ms. Williams is looking so dismayed because she is wondering how anyone so fucking stupid could have found her toxic waste dump.

June 15, 2009

Panel 1:Awwww, look at how sad Mark appears. I guess this confrontation isn't going quite as he planned. No doubt, he expected the little lady to fess right up in light of his forceful accusation. He's going to have pull out the big guns in just a minute.

Panel 2:I'm guessing this is supposed to be an American Wood Duck or possibly, its nearly extinct cousin, the American Bat-Winged Wood Duck. As usual, the colorist has screwed the pooch.

Panel 3:Tsssssss! He's hot! Photographic evidence, the Desert Eagle of the environmental crimes world. Or so Mark believes. Of course, RCRA actually differentiates between generators, transporters, and treatment/disposal operators. That barrels have WCC markings on them is hardly proof that WCC knowingly broke the law.

June 13, 2009

Panel 1:Is it me, or does Mark look a tad too gleeful in this panel. Sure, he furrowed his brow a little bit to add a hint of grimness to his countenance, but from the bridge of his nose down, he's all Cheshire Cat. Weird.

Panel 2:Again with the private property! Look, Mark, the location of the land disposal has no impact on the likelihood or scope of penalties imposed by RCRA. If, as owner of Lost Forest, you plan on filing a civil suit, the location gives you a cause of action, but otherwise it means nothing. So please, STFU already.

Panel 3:I would find this much more amusing if Ms. Williams were to say, "Oh yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about" and did so while making some sort of lewd thrusting pelvic motion.

I'm telling Mom!

2009-06-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

June 12, 2009

Panel 1:I see Mark's android syntax is catching. I know the Jackelrod Sphere was trying to write something biting and witty for Ms. Williams to say, but there's just too many syllables for that here. Assuming Ms. Williams would really refer to herself in the third person (an arguable proposition in itself), this would read much better as follows:

"You wanted to see the president of the company...here she is!"

Panel 2:On the other hand, I consider Ms. Williams' response in this panel possibly the best bit of writing the Jackelrod Sphere has ever managed to spit out. Finally, someone in this strip evinces the proper level of disdain for another one of Mark's pointless non sequiturs.

Panel 3:And it gets better! First, she denigrates Mark's home and now she's belittling his motives. Clearly, this woman has an invisible moustache, otherwise Mark would be punching her lights out instead of sputtering in his best vexed-5th-grader voice, "Oooooh, you're in trouble!"

Cherry was a pace car driver.

2009-06-11T05:41:00.000-07:00

Panel Zero: Having gone back and re-read the story of Mark's mid-winter excursion into the southern wetlands and his subsequent conversion of Sue Butler from rapacious developer into tree-hugging conservationist using nothing but his well-timed intervention with an alligator and a couple of platonic walks on the beach, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that we're about to get more of the same. By which I mean, Mark's going to work his androgynous charm on this winsome, brunette executive; punch a couple of her mustachioed employees; and save Lost Forest from the scourge of irregular garbage. I base all of this on the conditional described by the hourglass-shaped Ms. Williams in Panel 3. If she were really evil, she would have had Mark tossed out on his ear immediately. Of course, if the Jackelrod Sphere gives us a closer view of her face and it turns out she's got a couple of downy upper lip hairs, I think we can safely reject my hypothesis and conclude that her apparent willingness to listen to our androgynous hero is nothing but a clever ruse designed to lure him into a state of complacency whereby she can pack him off in a metal drum to be deposited wiht other irregular garbage in a formerly pristine bit of wilderness.

NOTE: Today's title has nothing to do with anything, I just happened to be listening to some Primus while writing this.

The Office

2009-06-10T04:48:00.000-07:00

June 10, 2009

Panel 1: I wonder if the Jackelrod Sphere has seen the inside of an office sometime in the last 20 to 30 years. Had it done so, it might have noticed that everyone, even lowly receptionists sitting on mattresses, have computers these days. Of course, I suppose it's possible that the Jackelrod Sphere has used its immense powers to see far into the future to a time where the computing power of the modern desktop computer has been incorporated into a wafer-thin mechanism that resembles a sheet of paper.

Panel 2: The Jackelrod Sphere may keep Mrs. Mark Trail locked in a patriarchal hell of indentured servitude and near isolation at Lost Forest, but all the those damn, unmarried feminist-types in the outside world seem to be running companies these days. Mark had better hope that Cherry doesn't find out.

Panel 3: A man of action does not abide by other people's schedules, especially if he has something important to say.

Who?

2009-06-09T06:05:00.000-07:00

June 9, 2009

Panel 1:"That means I can ride my horse there and punch someone!"

Panel 2:Mark, what's the rush? It took you three trips to the dumpsite and another to the photo shop to figure out that the drums had the letters WCC on them. Surely, you can wait for Cherry to serve up a delicious lunch of fricaseed chicken beaks or roasted mudfish before you go hunt down this corporate malfeasor.

Panel 3:Finally, someone adopts a realistic attitude when talking to Mark Trail, occasional contributor to and photographer for an un-named (and probably third-rate) outdoors magazine.

June 8, 2009

Panel 1:So which is it? Painted, scraped, painted and scraped?

Panel 2:Doc, don't encourage him. That wasn't good work. That was five days of struggling toward a discovery that could have been made on Day 1.

Panel 3:Ask "Teh Google!"

June 6, 2009

Panel 1:Boy, why would anyone EVER want to do that?

Panel 2:"...I can cast the protective spell that will keep the gigantic coy-wolf from supping on my tender flesh."

Panel 3:Holy Shit! It's the dreaded Women Chemists Committee!

Also, take note that Mark continues to require the use of intercessory technology to read the barrels. Maybe he's illiterate and his camera is actually a well-disguised, high-tech reading device?

Hump that drum.

2009-06-05T06:15:00.000-07:00

June 5, 2009

Panel 1:This has got to be one of the most half-assed and ineffecient investigations of a environmental crime ever undertaken. Let us review Mark's recent itinerary and activities:

May 30 - at the dump site to look at the drums
June 1 - at home to tell Howdy-Doody there are drums
June 2 - at the dumpsite to take pictures of the drums
June 4 - at home to look at pictures of the drums
June 5 - at the dumpsite to look at the drums

On an unrelated note, I'm not sure Mark's gaunt-cheeked thousand-mile stare is really appropriate for the circumstances. It looks like he just stumbled across a mass grave or something.

Panel 2:Third day in a row that the Jackelrod Sphere has obliged us with a picture of "nature." In this case, nature appears to be an invasive nutria gathering sea grass.

Panel 3:What? Strike gold? Find the lost nation of Atlantis? Break on through to the other side? Get some "poison" on your hand and turn into the Toxic Avenger?

The real story.

2009-06-04T06:21:00.001-07:00

Hey y'all, if you get a moment check out this picture perfect riff on Monday's strip over at Dean's Comic Booth.

Two rules.

2009-06-04T05:14:00.000-07:00

June 4, 2009

Panel Zero: I am, once again, forced to eschew the three panel format to comment on the total ludicrositinessitude of today's strip. Two days ago, Mark was at the fucking dump site taking pictures. He was, I repeat, at the dump site. Today, Mark is inspecting those pictures with a magnifying glass to....you got it...see whether the drums have anything written on them. This brings me to what must be the second unwritten rule of serial comic strip writing: Never accomplish in one panel what you can accomplish in six. While brevity may be the soul of wit, it is obviously the bane of the serial author. In this instance, Mark could have walked over and read the damn drum on Tuesday. Instead, it's already Thursday and he's busy playing Sherlock Holmes with his magnifying glass. Someone get that man a deerstalker!

911 is a joke in your town.

2009-06-03T14:16:00.000-07:00

June 3, 2009

Panel 1:"With any luck you tried to move them, were exposed to the chemical and will soon die, thus leaving me the patriarch of this compound. Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!!"

Panel 2:Yeah, unbelievable. I mean no one ever committed an environmental crime before, and certainly not to save money!

NOTE ON THE ART: I'm beginning to think that Lost Forest is actually located on the island of Doctor Moreau. First we had the hyenapig accompanying the Elf on his rounds, now we have some sort of chipmunkpig being chased by a dog-like creature in a black skirt.

Panel 3:Mark, Mark, Mark. Remember, you mete out the penalties. That fist can be as heavy as you want it to be.

Three days was the morning.

2009-06-02T07:49:00.000-07:00

June 2, 2009

Panel 1:"But not so dangerous that I didn't contemplate moving them around yesterday in this panel. And certainly not so dangerous that I would put Andy on a leash."

Panel 2:This is possibly the most perfect statement of environmental vigilantism ever uttered on the comic pages of America's newspapers. Someone is knowingly violating federal law (specifically the Resource Conservation and Recovery Act), which carries penalties of up to $50,000 per day per violation and 5 years in jail, and Mark wants pictures to show that person when he confronts them and beats them up. Nice. I think the Steven Segal comparison I made when this arc started is pretty damn apt.

Panel 3: Good Lord! Howdy-Doody speaks and, lo and behold, he is the voice of reason!

June 1, 2009

Panel 1:This is nonsensical. And no, I don't mean this strip. I mean this panel. I mean, why does Mark even say that? Was he really thinking about grabbing a couple of 55-gallon drums and moving them around? To what end? To see what's inside? To keep them from spilling? This is about as lame a fucking panel as I've seen yet.

Panel 2:You know, I'm beginning to think there's some sort of unwritten code of serial comics, possibly even a social compact of sorts between the authors of said comics and their regular readers. The unwritten code basically requires that the characters of serial comics be so mind-numblingly obtuse that every day they must be reminded of the story arc in which they are trapped. The purpose of this code, of course, is so that if non-regular readers stumble upon the strip in any particular day, they will have an inkling of what is going on. In the case of Mark Trail, however, he's not so much mind-numbingly obtuse as he is suffering from Asperger syndrome. Certainly, his non-stop monologues demonstrate the sort of "intense preoccupation with a narrow subject, one-sided verbosity and restricted prosody" that one finds in individuals with Asperger. It also happens to be a useful mechanism for the Jackelrod Sphere to abide by his author's code and clue the fortunate majority of humanity that doesn't read Mark Trail regularly into what the hell is going on.

The corrolary to this unwritten code is the social compact between the author and the regular reader. As far as I can tell, the terms of this compact require the regular reader to ignore the stupidity of the strip's characters and to pretend the narrative arcs aren't predictable and boring. In return, the authors grace us with the occasional moment of sublime lunacy. Well, boys and girls, this panel is not one of those moments.

Panel 3: Nor is this.

May 30, 2009

Panel 1:"That's garbage that has been neatly stuffed into big gray cans!"

Panel 2:Apparently, Mark, it's irregular garbage.

Panel 3:Or it could be the leaden dialogue in this strip...ba da bump!...Thank you! I'll be here all week. Try the veal!

His good side?

2009-05-29T05:06:00.000-07:00

May 29, 2009

Panel 1:Like I said yesterday, Sherlock Holmes.

Panel 2:Again, why not just show us the problem? Oh wait, I know why. Because it's just easier to photoshop Mark's face in with a bit o' dialogue:

Panel 3:Wow, if this panel doesn't capture the child-like naivete of Mark Trail, I don't know what does. His bafflement at why someone might engage in illegal dumping (and on private property!) is laughable. Has he never heard of disposal fees? How about profit margins? Even for those of us unschooled in economics and unfamiliar with the term "externality," it's possilbe to conceive of scenarios in which firms seeking to maximize their profits might seek to minimize their operating costs by engaging in illegal behavior. Of course, most (all?) of us are not androgynous naturalists and men of action and, thus, most of us have the 2-3 spare minutes required to contemplate such things. Mark, on the other hand, is both the androgynous naturalist and a man of action and is waaaaaaay too busy kicking ass, taking names, and avoiding the sexual advances of the frustrated Cherry to waste his time thinking.

Real life.

2009-05-28T04:50:00.000-07:00

May 28, 2009

Panel 1: He's a regular Sherlock Fucking Holmes, that Mark Trail. No doubt, he's made an extensive study of tread patterns and correlated them to the track depth created by a wide variety of vehicle body types and weight. This, of course, explains how he knows a van made those prints and not a heavily-laden Oscar Mayer Weinermobile parked for the evening.

Panel 2: Now, I'm no artist, but is all this exposition really necessary? Couldn't the JS have adopted the novel (for it) bird's eye persepective and shown us the tracks backing up to the cliff with Mark saying something ludicrous (but brief!), such as: "Hm. The van backed up to this cliff. Why?"

Panel 3: Having adopted my artistic and textual suggestions for panel 2, the JS would be well-advised to use the following panel for panel 3:

I think you'll agree that this is a much more appropriate response to finding a gigantic toxic dump in the middle of the woods than whatever Mark is going to say tomorrow...

It's bad, but it's not Rusty.

2009-05-27T04:52:00.000-07:00

May 27, 2009

Panel 1:"Look Andy, I can make it flap it's wings. Fly away, little birdie, fly away, the ReAnimator has freed you from the bonds of death!"

Panel 2:I don't quite get Mark's logic as I'm unaware of squirrels having any special susceptability to toxic substances. Nonetheless, I'll over look that, given the total awesomeness of the dead squirrel in question. If I didn't know any better, I'd say the Jackelrod Sphere took a pre-existing picture of a running squirrel and lay it on its side on the ground...

Panel 3:Okay, so using facial expressions to determine where a particular event lies on the scale of things that sends Mark into a tizzy, I think we can identify the following two-step hierarchy:

The Elf getting kidnapped is worse than squirrels dying.

If I have the time, it might be worth reviewing the archives to refine this a bit. I'll see what I can do.

Toxic schlock.

2009-05-26T05:28:00.000-07:00

May 26, 2009

Panel 1: "I know this because the giant, spiny phallus tells me so."

Panel 2: Mark, we went over this already. It was the lead...in the study with a revolver.

Panel 3: Really fucking smart Mark. Animals are dropping like flies due to lead poisoning and you let Andy off-leash to find the source? What's wrong, tired of his shaggy ass always hanging around? Looking for an easy way to get rid of him?

May 25, 2009

Panel Zero: I'm eschewing the three-panel format for my comments today to point out what a fucking mess this strip was on Monday. I mean, the art is adequate as always, the dialoge in each panel is more or less sensible, but taken as a whole the strip is nonsensical. Consider: In panel 1, Mark is going to try and find out why animals are dying. There's an admirable lack of certitude there, not to mention the recognition that stuff is dying. Jump over to panel 2. Suddenly, Howdy-Doody is wondering whether death is serious and Mark's camera is brimming with confidence that Mark and it WILL find out what's going on. Get to panel 3 and Mark has caught whatever it is that Howdy-Doody has and is now wondering whether something that can kill you is dangerous. Moreover, throughout the strip, it's pretty clear that everyone has forgotten that extreme lead toxicity has already been identified as the culprit in the animal deaths. The only thing Mark needs to find out is the source of the lead.

This is my "lab"

2009-05-23T06:35:00.000-07:00

May 23, 2009

Panel 1:Wait! Doc, don't answer that. Let me guess. Ummmmm.... On the ground?

Panel 2:"It wasn't too close, either. It was just right."

Panel 3:Ahhh...the joys of the rustic science lab. The antiquated three-lens, single eye-piece microscope. The lonely Erlenmeyer Flask. The empty ephedrine boxes and rusty tins of paint thinner. The syringes....you know, I wonder if Doc is feeling kind of itchy and irritable right about now?

A little whine with your superfluous adverbs?

2009-05-22T04:45:00.000-07:00

May 22, 2009

Panel 1:The Jackelrod Sphere has taken an interesting approach to today's panel. It has, more or less, cut and pasted yesterday's panel 3 into today's panel 1. However, it has also taken the time to erase the talking skunk, replace it with a jogging rabbit, and then, perhaps to add an air of authenticity to the entire enterprise, drawn in some stem and grass details in the foreground. In the process, the truck hasn't perceptibly moved and, yet, our silhouetted malfeasor continues to "direct" the truck. All in all, this panel leaves me feeling a bit unsettled this morning. I mean, why all the effort if the the end result is essentially unchanged?

Panel 2:Our midnight bandits are unloading 55 gallon drums of toxic waste by pushing them by hand. A gallon of water weighs roughly 8 pounds and the materials in those drums isn't going to weigh much less than that. As a result, a 55 gallon drum of liquid, toxic or otherwise, is going to weigh upwards of 440 pounds. These, fair readers, are some super macho criminals we're dealing with here. Mark Trail is going to have his hands full trying to beat them into submission.

Panel 3:When you go to a bagel shop do you say, "I'll have a sesame bagel, and also some cream cheese." When your spouse asks you to go to the grocery store does she say, "Please get some chips and also some salsa." When you describe your vacation in Florida, do you say, "I went to Disney World, and also the Epcot Center." No, no and no. Normal english speakers do not use "also" when describing two related ideas, notions, desires, etc. We just use "and." It gets the point across, it's grammatically correct, and one doesn't end up sounding like an android when they talk. I know I regularly complain abou the Jackelrod Sphere's abuse of the english language, but today's example is particularly annoying.

The Squid is vindicated.

2009-05-21T04:17:00.000-07:00

May 21, 2009

Panel 1:"Very, very serious! But not as serious as the lung cancer that killed him. Turns out, this deer smoked three packs a day!"

Panel 2:"Those goddam cigarette companies! Advertising their filthy cancer sticks to innocent children, small animals, and other defenseless creatures."

Panel 3:Okay, fine, maybe this strip isn't going to be about the dangers of smoking. Judging from this panel, I feel safe saying that it's going to be about the dangers of illegal dumping of toxic substances (or maybe that's a truck full of prions!). As a civil enforcement* attorney for the EPA (really!), I hold the faint hope that this could turn into an interesting story arc. On the other hand, it's been done before...by Steven Segal...and it sucked. And while Steven Segal can at least bring the camp, I'm not sure what the Jackelrod Sphere is going to add here. The faint hope I just mentioned mostly revolves around the thought that anybody who drives a 70s-era semi is likely to have an accordingly archaic moustache which, as we all know, is to Mark Trail as a red flag is to a bull. If our heretofore invisible truck driver does have a moustache, perhaps we'll have fewer precious moments and more peach-colored fist bombs.

And, incidentally, that is one talented fucking skunk.

*The violation we're witnessing here would fall in the criminal realm, which is dealt with by a different office in the Agency from mine.

The prodigal deer returns!

2009-05-20T04:38:00.000-07:00

May 20, 2009

Panel 1:In my internal version of Mark Trail (the one from which all the faux-dialogue arises), Howdy-Doody is sitting there thinking to himself, "You fucking dumbass, I already told you, the old Willy-wonka isn't working quite right and there appear to be some potholes in the Hershey Highway. If you make me repeat it, I'm going to leap across this table and smack that curly-Q right off your forehead." Unfortunately, since I don't write Mark Trail, Howdy-Doody is sitting there mutely, not thinking anything, and Mark is busy leaping to the conclusion that if Howdy-Doody wants him to check something out there must be a problem, and if there's a problem that means he gets to leave again and won't be forced to spend any "alone time" with Cherry, red-breasted nuthatches, throat warblers, or any other suck icky thing.

Panel 2:Well damn, that certainly is a problem. We all know that deer are like werewolves: impervious to pain, unnaturally strong, and susceptible to only one thing...bullets (silver or otherwise). If you find a dead deer that hasn't been shot, then you can be certain that powerful, supernatural forces have been unleashed upon the earth and that the Apocalypse is nigh. In that case, who do you call? Ghostbus...no, wait...you call Mark Trail.

Panel 3:"Well, it had a severe case of the clap, heavy doses of Viagra in its blood, a rucksack full of deer-on-blonde porno mags, a couple of crumpled pesos and a souvenir shotglass from Niagara Falls. Other than that, I didn't find anything."

Update: Over at The Comics Curmudgeon a number of commenters have suggested that the dead deer (obviously Buck) has succumbed to chronic wasting disease. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that they're wrong. Here's why: you can't punch a disease. The Jackelrod Sphere does not write strips in which there is no identifiable villain and, in the case of a disease like CWD, for which there is no obvious cause and no known cure, there is definitely no identifiable villain.

You can call me "Doctor"

2009-05-19T05:19:00.000-07:00

May 19, 2009

Panel 1:"Yep. Lucky, lucky, lucky. If those criminals had been any less incompetent, Andy and I would be lying dead on some abandoned logging road and Rusty would be giving $3 blowjobs in Tijuana."

Panel 2: Where's our resident naturalist, Ace? WTF kind of bird is that? Sparrow/whippoorwill hybrid? Something else altogether?

Panel 3:"I've been having difficulty urinating and I've been experiencing some general discomfort in my, shall we say, poopchute. I'd like for you to poke around a little back there and see if you can find anything unusual."

BREAKING NEWS!: Our Resident Naturalist, Ace Buttockio, has confirmed that the Jackelrod Sphere has given us an accurate and recognizable picture of a species of bird that actually exists in nature and could, conceivably, be a member of the natural fauna of Lost Forest. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the Red-Breasted Nuthatch, a bird who's very name makes Mark Trail quiver with revulsion.

Sci-fi Catsup

2009-05-18T07:14:00.000-07:00

May 18, 200

Panel 1:A scene from "The Lametrix"

The Elf: "That's what happened..."

"....oh shit..."

Mark:"Rusty! What's wrong?"

The Elf: "A deja vu!"*

Cherry: "Huh? So what?"

The Elf: "It's a glitch in the Lametrix. It means they've changed something....Oh fuck! The bowl of shapeless mush! It's white, not orange anymore!"

Mark: "Goddamit! I want turnips, not potatoes! They know how much I hate potatoes. Those heartless, evil machines..."

Panel 2:[whispering to Cherry]"The first $50 at least. I figure he won't be able to count any higher than that anyway."

Panel 3:Actually, that would be prudent. And prudence, my dear Cherry, has virtually nothing to do with intelligence....which is why it is even conceivable that the Elf thought of it in the first place.

*In this case, a flashback to April 6th.

May 16, 2009

Panel 1: While Stringy reclines against a rock sucking his thumb, the Elf relates the genesis of his misadventure to the world's biggest dog.

Panel 2:"Otherwise, I would have had to spend the rest of my life pimping out my tushy-licking hyenapig in whatever wretched hive of scum and villainy Stringy and Tom Wopat took me to...like Branson or somewhere."

Panel 3:She did? If I recall correctly, she did a little barking while you hid in the shrubs and then spent the better part of three panels hanging around by her scruff. If she's a hero, then I'm Brad Fucking Pitt and I'm about to pop out for a quick snogg with my girlfriend...