It all comes down to the facial hair, doesn't it?

March 17, 2010

Panel 1:"For example, threaten to flog them with your paddle. That should hold them for a good, long time."

Panel 2:More likely, it will result in Ranger Buzz getting his ass kicked six ways to Sunday. Poor guy.

Panel 3:"If not, you can probably just find me floating face down in the lake!"

March 16, 2010

Panel 1:You know what? I think Mark just might pull off this "Japanese tourist" disguise.

Panel 2:Nooo. Really? Shit, I thought they just did it for sheer meaningless randomness.

Panel 3:The liquor part? If it had been me, I would have snuck up on the poker part.

March 15, 2010

Panel 1:Well, if there had been any doubt as to the nature of the Parker Brothers, it's certainly cleared up now. Look at all that facial hair!

Panel 2:What a fucking rube. No doubt he'll be surprised when they don't slow down as they plow over his canoe.

Ranger Buzz will make you wet.

March 13, 2010

Panel 1: "At which point I'll add this canoe to the list of inanimate objects I have mistreated in unspeakable ways on this trip."

Panel 2: "In other words, you be the bait. Please ignore the fact that bait is typically killed in the process of catching fish."

Panel 3: You know, Mark could have had Buzz change shirts back at the Grable dock. But, of course, that would have permitted Jan to see Buzz's rippling torso, which, given his alpha-manliness, would likely have sent her into paroxysms of ecstasy, whereupon she would probably have torn off her bathing suit and thus subjected Mark to the nauseating sight of the naked female body and its various erogenous zones. Mark, of course, wanted to avoid this profoundly debilitating series of events and, thus, conveniently "forgot" to tell Buzz to change his shirt.

March 12, 2010

Panel 1:He's a real politician? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? He's not a wax facsimile of a politician in Madame Tussuad's museum? He's not an actor playing a politician on TV? What?

Panel 2:And let the wacky hi-jinx begin!

March 11, 2010

Panel 1:"And, hopefully, you'll be dressed in something as revealing and sexy as that bathing suit you stole off the corpse of Betty Grable!"

Panel 2:Having tired of Ranger Buzz's attempts to woo Jan Grable, Mark returns to violating this sleeping bag.

Panel 3:"Clank...clunk....grind..." That's the sound of Mark's brain striving to make a connection between the various clues concerning the Parker Brothers, Senator Wallace, and the restaurant.

Beaver!

March 10, 2010

Panel 1: Just for the record, the Jackelrod Sphere has now presented us with 18 separate bird images since February 8th. Compare this with the 6 non-human mammals, the single amphibian, and the single fish images it's given us. I'm detecting some sort of pro-avian bias here and I, for one, am deeply disturbed.

Panel 2:"I am...ahem...tracking beaver."

Panel 3:Not really. What's interesting is what Mark is doing to that helpless sleeping bag in the background. That and the fact that he's obviously returning to Wet Lake to exact his revenge on the Parker Brothers who, you may recall, totally whupped his ass.

Let's Recap, Shall We?

Ok, so I'll be the first to admit that yesterday's vodka-fueled efforts, while enjoyable (for me), didn't really do much in the way of clarifying the current story-line. Thus, I shall conduct a recap. Of course, I don't have access and/or don't care to obtain access to the strips from January 5 through February 7. I think, however, that I can extrapolate what happened. It goes a little like this:

January 5: Three panels of prattle.
January 6: Mark's phone rings, his old friend Ben is calling.
January 7: Mark and Ben talk about stuff at Ben's lake.
January 8: Mark decides he needs to write a magazine article about stuff at Ben's lake.
January 9: Cherry tries to lure Mark into bed, but he successfully evades her desperate clutches and drives to Wet Lake (or whatever Ben's lake is called).
January 11: Senator Hatcher decides to take a visit to Wet Lake.
January 12-February 7: Mark meets the Senator and his ambiguously gay staffer Tim, stuff happens, and, voile!, fisticuffs.
February 7-22: The Senator has a heart attack;Mark and Ben save the Senator by bravely canoeing him down a Class 1 riffle.
February 23-March 2: The Senator, Mark and Ben talk about stuff that isn't very interesting, except for the bit about Parker Brothers' booming non-fishing business.
March 3-4: Mark and Tim talk about stuff that isn't very interesting, except for the bit about Senator Wallace, the restaurateur cum Senator, who hates the outdoors and opposes efforts to preserve Paradise "Wet" Lake.*
March 5-8: Mark hooks up with Ranger Buzz and they proceed to canoe back out to Wet Lake.

*Note the incomprehensible statement by Tim, the not-too-bright Senate staffer, in which he concludes that it is strange that someone who dislikes the outdoors is opposed to preserving it. This, of course, is a perfectly normal position and, in fact, represents one of the planks of the modern Republican party.

Anyways. Now that you have the facts straight, let's dive into today's strip shall we.

March 9, 2010

Panel 1:It's not entirely clear to me where the lovely Ms. Harper is diving from. There's a tree behind the rock, and the rock is too low for her to have leaped off of. Any ideas?

Panel 2:Translation: Damn, I'd like to tap that ass.

Panel 3:Apparently Mark has overcome his revulsion at the thought of sexual contact between human beings and managed to paddle the canoe to the dock. I wonder if he threw up into the lake, or just swallowed it.

The Prodigal Cephalopod Returns!

Well, I owe each and every one of my 12 readers a deep apology. Since my last post on January 4th, three things have happened that have contributed to the complete lack of postings. They are, as follows:

1. I was offered a job in Denver, CO.
2. I accepted that job.
3. I moved myself and my family to Denver, CO.

Having arrived in Denver the day before yesterday and having somewhat settled into our temporary, furnished housing, I feel safe promising that I will now be able to resume regular posting on this blog.

So, I apologize for the long delay. Let's see where we are in the latest Mark Trail escapade. For purposes of speed and alacrity I will not use the three-panel commentary approach. Instead, I shall use the three-shot approach in which I will drink three shots of vodka and proceed to undertake a quick word association for each day. Oh, and because I'm a lazy fuck and only use the Seattle PI, I'll only be going back to February 7th (I think). So, let me get some vodka in me.... A slight digression: I highly recommend Tito's if you can find it. Brewed in the fine city of Austin, TX, it's smooth, tasty and suitable for any occasion. And now, let us proceed:

March 8, 2010

a fine line apparently divides interesting from stultifying

March 6, 2010

surveillance technology is for the weak

March 5, 2010

shitting on his desk?

March 4, 2010

massive abscess needs lancing

March 3, 2010

a love whose name cannot be spoken

March 2, 2010

pixilated patronizer

March 1, 2010

hairnet or just pomade?

February 27, 2010

Lloyd Bridges doesn't look dead.

February 26, 2010

dopey motherfucker never heard of meth?

February 25, 2010

not just tough, talkative too

February 24, 2010

desperation vibrator

February 23, 2010

sudden time lapse grimace

February 22, 2010

please eat them

February 20, 2010

freaky ghost duck

February 19, 2010

chatty motherfucker abyss

February 18, 2010

Charterstone escapee

February 17, 2010

talented goose

February 16, 2010

Frankenstein shuffleboard sweater

February 15, 2010

Stuka ski-boat

February 13, 2010

bomber squadron gondola

February 12, 2010

post-cornhole sweathog

February 11, 2010

squirrelly mcblowjob

February 10, 2010

double-jointed humpathon

February 9, 2010

stoic, bitch slap

February 8, 2010

banjo, rusty Oldsmobile, broken hip

The End of an Error

January 4, 2010

Panel 1:Howdy Doody! Damn, we haven't seen him in months!

Panel 2:What the fuck is he trying to say? Does anybody talk like that? One typically doesn't modify a positive statement with remorse that something else good happened at the same time. Consider: "I enjoyed our date tonight Denise, but many people survived the Haitian earthquake. Ah yes, if only more of those poverty stricken souls had met their demise the other day. Then I'd really have enjoyed our time together!"

Panel 3:Cue the canned laughter! And that, my friends, is a cut. Onward and upward, I say. I wonder what the Jackelrod Sphere has in store for us next?

January 2, 2010

Panel 1:Nope, I guess he wanted to dry hump Mark....who certainly appears to be enjoying it.

Panel 2:"Just a little fungus, that's all!"

Panel 3:Very subtle, JS, very subtle indeed. Presumably, this is your way of saving a few panels showing us Rusty lying his fugly little ass off. For that, I thank you.

January 1, 2010

Panel 1:B-b-but that's lying!

Panel 2:Good job Cujo. Knock that dowdy midget over on your way outside to...what...dry hump Rusty?

December 31, 2009

Panel 1:"Well, sir, he stinks like the business end of a mink and he's got the common sense of a sack of dirty nappies, but otherwise, he'll be fine."

Panel 2:I suppose it is pretty cool that Rusty grew a mushroom on his foot.

Congratulations to the Buttockios!

I interrupt yet another extended interregnum to congratulate Ace Buttockio and Cherry Merkin on the birth of their baby son, Everhard Buttockio. The newest member of the Buttockio clan can be seen here, a few seconds before Ace wrestled him to the ground to change his diaper: