Don't bring a knife to a gun fight, and don't use rifles for close-quarter shooting.

October 30, 2009

Panel 1:You know what, JS? The swamp is not mysterious. The swamp is dark, the swamp is dank, the swamp is teeming with alligators waiting to get poached by side-burned buffoons, but the swamp is not mysterious. The swamp is a complex ecosystem, yes, but that's not mysterious, that's just nature. You want to know what's mysterious? What's mysterious is why I keep reading this fucking comic strip. That, and who took the apple off my desk I was saving for a snack. Someone call Miss Marple!

Panel 2:I have it on good authority that these guys are bringing way too much firepower to their little turkey shoot. Turns out, you only need some nylon rope and a .45 to hunt alligators.

Panel 3:Why, Bob, because you had him over for dinner? Clearly you are not familiar with the Right Fist o' Justice and the Left Foot o' Retribution. They are employed without regard for their owner's relationship with their target. Mark Trail will kick anyone's ass, even people who have had their complacent wives pour him coffee. So, Bob, you might want to reconsider that statement, because I suspect that we're coming to the point in this narrative arc where Mark Trail finally rips the top off a can of whup-ass and shoves it down your pusillanimous throat.

News Flash: Yappy Dog Flesh Tastes Good...To Alligators

October 29, 2009

Panel 1:Good

Panel 2:Fucking

Panel 3:Riddance

Just eat the fucking dog already.

October 28, 2009

Panel 1:Coco the Hungry Raccoon had better watch out. That giant bullfrog is going to kick his ass if he finds out that Coco has been eating his children.

Panel 2:Maybe the gators will eat Sassy now? We can only hope.

October 27, 2009

Panel 1:That Bob, he's a smart one: getting one last pinch of his wife's smokin' ass before getting nabbed for poaching and tossed in the clink.

Panel 2:If you are a federally-protected bird of prey (like this Great Horned Owl) and the Jackelrod Sphere drives you into a state of boredom so deep your vital organs shut down and you die, are you a victim of poaching? I say yes, and somebody better get that owl a stimulant, stat!

October 26, 2009

Panel 1:Damn, looks like Sassy (or maybe it's just Sassy's head!) survived the fishing trip today.

Panel 2:Are you fucking kidding? Who kidnapped the Mark Trail we know and (sort of) like and replaced him with a sensible, non-vigilante, non-ass-kicking citizen?

Panel 3:Normal smoke today. That's reassuring.

October 24, 2009

Panel 1:At first, Mark's comment appears to be another senseless non sequitur dreamed up by the Jackelrod Sphere to fill space. I mean, when someone says something like, "No wonder you've succeeded at task X," they're usually a) surprised that you've succeeded, and b) identified what they perceive to be a reasonable explanation for that surprising success. In this case, it's no wonder that Mark is surprised that Rusty has been catching fish. Rusty, as we know, is no genius and its surprising when he does something as simple as closing the velcro on his shoes. Anyway, the question is, what has Mark identified as the explanation for Rusty's fishing success? Here it is: Sassy! More specifically, Rusty is using Sassy as bait. I mean, look at Rusty's fishing pole. There's something heavy on there. And why would Rusty say that he AND Sassy are having fun? Because Rusty tied a loop around Sassy's neck and finally putting that yappy sack of goo to good use: luring fish (and probably a few alligators) to Rusty's line. So, long story short, Mark is not blurting out non sequiturs today; his response is actually pretty reasonable given the circumstances.

Another long catch-up session...

October 23, 2009

Panel 1:"Ignore your problems and life is grand!"

Panel 2:"Like I said, grand!"

Panel 3:Not to put too fine a point on it, toots, but your deadbeat husband lost his job.

October 22, 2009

Panel 1:"Maybe this tiny cup of coffee will give me the courage to stand up to that big rockabully!"

Panel 2:"Fucking horny suburban housewives! Now that's the way to make money, Bob. So get on Craigslist and get to work there mister."

Panel 3:Yes, the last time. I'm sure this is going to turn out wonderfully.

October 21, 2009

Panel 1:Christ-the-fuck-Almighty! Twice in three days? Maybe the JS found the cooking sherry again.

Panel 2:Rusty hasn't quite mastered the art of matching up his facial expressions with his exclamations. Clearly, he doesn't give a shit that an alligator ate Mark and, in fact, is pretty damn pleased at the prospect of his putative father getting gobbled by a ravenous reptile.

Panel 3:I'm going to reiterate my comment from October 2. What the fuck is up with the smoke here? Under what meteorological conditions can smoke be lower than the fire that started it?

October 20, 2009

Panel 1:The JS had better watch out, it looks like Tiny is about to open up a can of giant possum whoop-ass on it.

Panel 2:"I mean, someones got to swim around and lure the 'gators to the boat!"

Panel 3:"And you'd better have that chicken liver bathing suit on!"

October 19, 2009

Panel 1:Either we are being given a clue that this whole story arc is part of Ray's Golding-esque death throes, or the Jackelrod Sphere (and its editors) needs to double-check the source of its dialog bubbles.

Panel 2:"But don't worry, either way. If he gets any closer to the truth, I'll get Tiny out of the tree and let him loose."

Panel 3:"You know, with stories about the giant, carnivorous possums that live around here."

October 17, 2009

Panel 1:"Well, sort of...you'd have to see him with his pants off to answer that question."

Panel 2:Why didn't Ray yell the "You'd"?

October 16, 2009

Panel 1:I'll tell you what, that is one small-ass fucking swamp.

Panel 2:"Well, Ray, I guess we thought wrong, didn't we."

Panel 3:"First, it was that purty, purty mouf of his, but then I really got to know the man...You know how it goes."

Where in the world was Squid Vicious?

October 15, 2009

Panel 1:Blah, blah, blah.

Panel 2:Again with the half-assed thanks.

Panel 3:Mr. Longburns continues his downward spiral into insanity.

October 14, 2009

Panel 1:"Strangely affectless, dressed in khaki; strangely affectless, dressed in khaki. WHY does that ring a bell?!"

Panel 2:In Panel 1, Mark is holding an axe. In Panel 2, Mark is not holding an axe. Why?

Panel 3:Wow. It's like this vision of Mark Trail has rocked Mr. Longburns to the very core of his being. One minute he feels safe and secure in a world where alligators eat the people you've tried to kill; the next minute he's adrift in a world gone MAD.

October 13, 2009

Panel 1:Mark's viscera seem to have quite the knack for conversation!

Panel 2:Ummm....looks like Merlin left his merkin on that tree.

Panel 3:It's that damn khaki outfit giving him away again!

October 12, 2009

Panel 1:I see Mr. Longburns traded shirts with Mr. Shortburns.

Panel 2:What is he, the game warden?

October 10, 2009

Panel 1:Random observations: Red tam, mopey drunk and gold Oscar award resting on the bar. Indescribably sickening "Salt" burger advertised on the wall. Couple of sets of sideburns (locally known as Mr. Shortburns and Mr. Longburns) so long you can see them from here, talking in the back of the room.

Panel 2:Since when have owls skinned their prey before eating them?

Panel 3:Villains or a rockabilly duo? You decide.

October 9, 2009

Panel 1:Isn't that cute. Bob and Mark are best friends now!

Panel 2:Judging from the bored expression on that third turtle's face, he's as disinterested in this plot line as I am.

October 8, 2009

Panel 1:This strip from Ruben Bolling makes any comment from me unnecessary.

Panel 2:Couldn't we just get some more animals for the foreground?

October 7, 2009

Panel 1:That's right Mark! Subservient wife, retiring child, what's not to like!

Panel 2:Bob has got himself some fancy-ass gutters on that rustic swamp shack of his...

Panel 3:Fish? That's it? I have it on good authority that turtle, raccoon, opossum, alligator, snake and snail all taste pretty good, too.

Thank the Good Lord for the 1950s

October 6, 2009

Panel 1:As always in the Trailosphere, the diligent wife waits on the menfolk hand and foot, and the children are seen but not heard. While normally I would decry this sort of crass promotion of outdated social norms, today I am thankful. If it were otherwise, we might have to read another one of Rusty's pointless interjections.

Panel 2:"Am I making Liberace proud with my grasp on this tea cup?"

Panel 3:Forget the dialogue. Compare today's picture with the third panel published exactly six months ago:

It's hard to say whether the JS is recycling the same picture or merely the same layout of the picture...

On the importance of verbal clarity.

October 5, 2009

Panel 1:Mark is a brave man to reach out and grab Mary's single-digit flipper like that. I might hesitate a moment when confronted with such a disturbing manifestation of human anatomy.

Panel 2:What's going on with Mark's left eye? It looks like it popped right out of his skull, leaving a gaping socket in its wake.

Panel 3:Um...disturbing misogynistic non sequitur here with even more disturbing pedophilic undertones.

October 3, 2009

Panel 1:How come the only indicator of the boat's speed are the hyena-pig's ears? You'd think Mark or Rusty might get a little wind-swept if the boat is actually going that fast.

Panel 2:Good Lord, Mark has a daughter! Can you imagine the female version of Rusty. Blergh. I think I'll cover my keyboard in plastic wrap right now; just in case Mark pulls out a picture to show Bob.

Holy Shit! A timely post!

October 2, 2009

Panel 1:Taking a cue from I Found All Six, I hereby present you with today's puzzle. Find the six differences between Wednesday's Panel 3 and Friday's Panel 1:

Answers are at the bottom.

Panel 2:Now there's a plan, Mark. I would remind you that these are the dudes who have so far proven able to sneak up on you in the middle of the night and knock you unconscious without giving you the slightest opportunity to pummel them with your ferocious Right Fist o' Justice.

Panel 3:Okay, WTF is going on with the smoke in this story arc? Have we seen normal smoke yet? Every time we see a fire, the smoke is shin-high, and looks like a tiny cumulus cloud. As a former Boy Scout who has spent A LOT of time burning shit, I've never seen smoke that didn't rise above knee level.

The Answers to Today's Puzzle:
1. Bob's magic fairy dust finally worked today.
2. Mark remembered to put on his Official Cooking Safety Hat on Wednesday.
3. Sassy knew better than to sit in the fire on Wednesday.
4. Mark forgot about his sodium-induced high blood pressure on Friday.
5. Kinky the Creeping Vine straightened up his act on Friday.
6. Mark's elbow was feeling loquacious on Wednesday.

Lamey McLamekins

October 1, 2009

Panel 1:Nice dig there, asshole. Couldn't you just be a gentleman and thank him for actually saving your life?

Panel 2:More ponderous dialogue from the Sphere. Wouldn't it sound more normal for Bob to say, "Sure!" or "That'd be great!"

Panel 3:Shifty-eyed bastard.

September 30, 2009

Panel 1:What is Mark smiling about in this picture?

Panel 2:"Like that giant frog over there! Quick, hand me my gun!"

Panel 3:Mark pours salt into the pot of mush, Rusty practices his best Oliver Twist impersonation, and Bob floats away on a cloud of bilious smoke.