In which I insult inbred, "values"-voting, gap-toothed, swamp-delling, southern rednecks everywhere by comparing them to Republicans

August 27, 2009

Panel 1:Why is it that every time the Jackelrod Sphere draws a child it ends up looking either like some sort of deformed abomination:

or, as evidenced here, a manequin doll.

Panel 2:Oooh. Foreshadowing. What could turn up in a "southern swamp?" In the real world, that would be your median Republican voter (i.e., an inbred, gap-toothed, evangelical, "values"-voting redneck). In the world of the Jackelrod Sphere, I'm going to guess that it's hidden pirate treasure!

Panel 3:"Plus, here in our swampy paradise, we have all the possum meat you could care to eat!"

The Dark Crystal?

August 26, 2009

Panel 1:"No, you little fool, I just wanted to raise your hopes up just a little higher so I can revel in your pain when I stomp on them mercilessly! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!"

Panel 2:BLAURGH! I really need to stop reading this strip in the morning. I need an empty stomach when faced with the hideous visage of this misshapen elf.

Panel 3:Hmmm...unemployed, working class dude with a blue shirt. I think we've seen this before. I trust the Jackelrod Sphere has learned its lesson and we'll now be treated to a series of scenes of unallayed domestic bliss as Bob and his steadfast wife and child labor against insurmountable odds to find him gainful employment in this soured economy. As for a villain, this may be an instance where Bob is driven down the path of iniquity by the dire exigency of his family's circumstances only to be redeemed by the affectless machinations of our androgynous hero or, perhaps, there's an unforeseen criminal element lurking in the next few strips whom, we can only hope, Mark will ultimately be able to pound into helpless submission.

Three days in a morning.

August 25, 2009

Panel 1:"Nah, most of the wildlife managed to avoid the leaking drums (unlike our friend Percival). It's those darned pesky chemicals the animals can't avoid."

Panel 2:"I'll give you 20% off your next clean-up if you're not completely satisfied!"

Panel 3:"It's just a darn shame that I didn't get to punch anybody."

August 24, 2009

Panel 1:"I thought they had harnessed the magical efficiencies of the free market and were exporting the waste to China for low-cost "treatment."

Panel 2:I see Mark Trail has a competitor in the Tiniest Hands on the Comic Pages contest. And won't the owner of that hand be surprised when he finds there's not much under those tight khaki pants.

August 22, 2009

Panel 1:Today's strip starts out innocuously. Sheriff Fred Gwynne (dressed in his light blue summer uniform), takes the logical step of putting a mob shooter and his victim under guard. So far, so good.

Panel 2:And then the Jackelrod Sphere sends in the circus clowns. Come again? Homeland Security? Prosecuting environmental polluters? WTF? Yeah, maybe if this was an oil spill, and it was in the 200-mile EEZ, and the Coast Gaurd was exercising its enforcement authority under the Oil Pollution Act of 1990. But, clearly this isn't the case so, I reiterate, WTF?

Lost love.

August 21, 2009

Panel 1:"But I think you'll need to do a bit more digging to figure out if he was, in fact, the man who shot Liberty Valance."

Panel 2:"I'm sure that will give you the necessary clues, because everyone knows that hardened criminals use their personal vehicles when conducting a hit."

Panel 3:Weird picture here. Judging from the lighting, Mark is actually staring into a klieg light. Perhaps the last few weeks have actually been a dramatic rendering of actual events from Mark's past and he's about to launch into "A Boy Like That."

META-POST: A Response to Comments

Click here to see a BIG BLACK COCK!

Many thanks to Ace Buttockio for his suggestions for making this blog even more wholesome and family-friendly than it already was!

Oh well, looks like Percival kept his head.

August 20, 2009

Panel 1:"Great! That means there's still time to punch him before he dies!"

Panel 2:"...which then splashed a bunch of toxic waste across the right side of your face. That stinging sensation you're feeling is the toxic waste dissolving your flesh. Would you mind turning your head to the right a little bit, so I don't get any on my fist when I punch you?"

Panel 3:You know, Percival, a simple brick through the window or a horse's head in his bed would have had the same effect.

Meta-Post: The Power of Mink

A couple of days ago, Sitemeter started showing a spike in folks accessing this blog. Invariably, these folks would be linking to this post. I couldn't figure it out, so I Googled the words "black mink," which I had used for my hyperlink. Under the images returned is the same picture I originally linked to. If you click on the picture provided in Google, however, it takes you to this blog instead of the original photo. Weird. So, to all you unwitting web surfers who have made your way to this site via the power of The Google, I salute you...with a picture of a black mink:

A couple of hypotheticals.

August 19, 2009

Panel 1:Okay, perhaps the JS wasn't breaking new ground in the role of toxic waste in the comic book world. Instead, it was just plain old "vibrations" and gravity doing the good work.

Panel 2:Wow, that round barrel has some serious sharp edges. It appears to have lopped off the top, left quadrant of Percival's head. Poor guy. Looks like he's going to take up architecture or something right-brained from now on.

Panel 3:I like the total lack of affect in Mark's eyes here. It's like he's saying what he thinks people should say when they see a partial decapitation, but he's pretty much feeling empty on the inside.

August 18, 2009

Panel 1:Let's say you're out hunting. Let's say you're sitting in your deer stand and a deer ambles into your range of fire. Do you a) shout out a warning that you're about to shoot at him, or b) silently take aim and pull the trigger? Just saying.

Panel 2:Let's say you're walking through the woods when an escaped convict with a high-powered rifle takes a shot at you. Let's say you ascend a steep cliff to escape the convict and, when standing on the cliff outlined against a bright blue sky, the convict aims his rifle at you again. Do you a) adopt a heroic pose and shout "DUCK!", or b) drop to the ground and keep the lip of the cliff between you and the convict? Just saying.

Panel 3:It's a fairly standard convention of comics, that the evils of toxic waste act through a third party (see e.g., Chemo or Joker). Today, however, the Jackelrod Sphere smashes that convention and actually has the toxic waste throwing itself on Percival Carrington. Nice.

Clearing the vay-cay backlog.

August 17, 2009

Panel 1:Crazy like a gender-less fox!

Panel 2:Finally, you stupid git. Like I said, just shoot his ass and get out of there. This time, though, take the road.

August 15, 2009

Panel 1:I don't know Mark, let's check the next panel.

Panel 2:He does!

Panel 3:Nice to see Andy has shrunk back to his "normal" size. Also, kudos to the Jackelrod Sphere for not relying on the tired, but family-friendly, "What the hey?" instead opting to allow us to mentally fill-in the "e Fuck?"

August 14, 2009

Panel 1:Oh yes, that's a fine idea. You can jump out and shout "Surprise! while tackling the guy."

Panel 2:Like I said, total douche. Just shoot the asshole and run already.

August 13, 2009

Panel 1:What? You're going to shoot him with a sedative dart?

Panel 2:That, or you've stumbled upon a confused hunter trying to get four and twenty blackbirds for his pie.

Panel 3:Why? How does his mental state impact your likely course of action? Not at all, my androgynous friend, not at all. You're going to hunt his ass down and pummel him regardless of whether he intended to kill, or merely maim.

August 12, 2009

Panel 1:"So I'd better climb high enough that his bullets can't reach me!"

Panel 2:"But wait! What's this? That larch over there has a moustache. Finally! A suspect!"

Panel 3:Okay, I'll admit it, apart from the ridiculous image of Mark clinging to the giant half-dead tree in the background, this is a pretty good picture.

August 11, 2009

Panel 1:Everything I've read so far leads me to believe that I was correct in initially assuming that our friend Percival here is a Brit. I mean, who the fuck uses "blasted" as an adjective if not the Brits?

Panel 2:Or something... Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!!

Panel 3:OK. Someone. Someone stupid enough to think that climbing the highest tree in a forest will somehow allow you to see through the canopy below.

August 10, 2009

Panel 1:I'm sure Mark's tiny loafers are well-suited for climbing trees that are dead from the waist up.

Panel 2:It's a shame those tiny loafers aren't armed with tiny machine guns so he can hold off the giant man-eating crows.

August 8, 2009

Panel 1:Why, so you don't have to shoot him again? This may be the single most inane piece of dialogue I've read so far in Mark Trail. And let me tell you, I've read a lot of inane dialogue.

Panel 2:Christ, what a douche.

Panel 3:Holy Fucked-up Perspective, Batman! The Jackelrod Sphere should believe everything it reads on the internet.

Maybe he'll find some teeth and hair...

August 7, 2009

Panel 1:Um...Ms. Williams...Do you really think the police aren't involved yet? I can't say for certain, but from my extensive experience (watching E.R. and House) I feel safe saying that hospitals report gun-shot victims to the police and the police usually follow up on such things. Even if The Mullet tells them nothing, Mark Trail is sure to have something to say.

Panel 2:Actually, Joey, if you want to be in full compliance with the law, you can't let them dump the waste at all. They need to bring the waste to a properly permitted storage and handling facility. Dingleberry.

Panel 3:Ah, yes, the classic "going in circles" trope. I wonder if the Jackelrod Sphere knows that "going in circles" is not a literal reference to people wandering in circles? In fact, when people are lost, they're more likely to wander about like Billy in Family Circus.

Now that's talent!

August 6, 2009

Panel 1:Dude, they're the mob. They own restaurants. You could have just washed dishes like Pee Wee Herman.

Panel 2:Something has been bugging me about this (and it's not the squirrel that can talk to his own ass). Presumably, WCC had a contract with their previous waste hauler. So what happened to that contract? Did Joey the Mullet just happen to default on his mob debts at the same time that contract reached its term? Or did the Mullet go ahead and break the original contract. If so, how come Ms. Williams didn't find out. You don't just cancel a contract, no harm no foul. There's penalties to be paid for something like that. I'm afraid this just doesn't add up. Unless, of course, the mob is threatening the previous hauler too. Hmm...

Scent of a Man.

August 5, 2009

Panel 1:"Our toxic waste has transformed me into a mermaid, and now it's polluting the waters of Lost Forest. Pretty soon, the place will be filled with mer-squirrels, mer-deer and mer-wolves. What are you going to do about it?"

Panel 2:Oh no! I flying mer-sparrow!

Panel 3:Really? Why not? If Joey the Mullet is the only connection to these people and there's no way to identify who shipped and dumped the materials, then killing him would, in fact, be a good strategy. Of course, if he's got a super-secret file detailing his relationship with Percival and his Chinese overlords (or some other fount of information that will survive his death), then maybe Mark is correct.

August 4, 2009,

Panel 1:Yes, indeed, Mark. Whenever I set cars on fire to hide evidence of my recent murder attempt, I tend to hang around and see what happens next. You'll probably find Percival hanging out behind a nearby tree eating a crumpet.

Panel 2:"Mmmm...I can even catch a whiff of his British Sterling."

Panel 3:Um, what's going on in that room behind the doctor? It looks like someone just tossed a grenade through the window into the lap of the convalescing man.

But where's all the black people?

August 3, 2009,

Panel 1:I've said it before, I'll say it again. Mark Trail is a regular Sherlock Fucking Holmes. I mean look at this brilliant leap of logic he just took! Truly, a giant among men...

Panel 2:And in addition to his awe-inspiring intellect, Mark is blessed with a keen sense of smell (even without the patented Trail-o-Schnoz).

Panel 3:"Oh noes! I somehow ended up in Harlem in 1976!"