This is the end.

November 28, 2009

Panel 1:I agree with Rusty, this story arc was basically unbelievable.

Panel 2:No way, you're just a fucking pelican and, moreover, you don't even know where Cherry lives...do you?

Panel 3:The hyena-pig is looking almost dog-like in this panel. It's uncanny, and I find it vaguely unsettling.

November 27, 2009

Panel Zero:In terms of advancing a story line or even closing this one off, this entire strip is a FAIL.

November 26, 2009

Panel 1:Um...you know, Seth, game wardens don't make prosecutorial decisions; that's left up to local DAs and the like. But hey, if you want to not report Bob's case to the DA's office for prosecution, that's certainly your decision.

Panel 2:Well isn't that handy! A job opening for a man with a clean criminal record! And on a purely semantic note, wouldn't that be "on the right side of the law"?

Panel 3:Given Bob's excitement to become a government employee, I guess we can safely conclude that he's not related to this Bob Jackson!

November 25, 2009

Panel 1:Who knew that Seth Rogen moonlighted as a game warden?

Panel 2:"It's been a long-time since I beat up some long-hairs!"

Panel 3:Is it me, or does Bob's head look like it's shrinking?

November 24, 2009

Panel 1:Lame! Poaching to feed your family is fine with me. But poaching to make money to feed your family? WTF? Just shoot a fucking deer and eat it already. Lord, what a douche.

Panel 2:That Bob, he's a real stand-up guy.

Panel 3:"You're going to have to kill him!"

November 23, 2009

Panel 1:Did you ever see the T.J. Hooker episode in which Officer Romano was ribbing T.J. for not exercising? In the final scene, T.J. and Romano are forced to chase a bad guy through a park and, miracle of miracles, the husky T.J. (played, of course, by William Shatner) is able to outrun both the young, vigorous Romano AND the bad guys. The lesson, I think, was that donuts make you fast. Today's picture shows us the obvious corollary to the T.J. Hooker lesson: "Sideburns make you slow." So boys, when you grow up, eat lots of donuts and shave regularly and you, too, will be as cool as T.J. Hooker and Mark Trail.

Panel 2:"Mind you, alligators are a different story."

Panel 3:"It all started when Mr. Longburns held a gun to my head and forced me to get in his boat."

Ass-kicking Klatsch

November 21, 2009

Panel 1:And what better way is there to renounce a criminal conspiracy than to kick your co-conspirators in the face while swinging from a low-hanging branch and renouncing the crime of poachi...wait...what's that Bob? You're not a pet killer? No mention of alligators, poaching, anything? Sucks for you, Bob, because that's not going to cut it in state court. Fortunately for you, Mark Trail is as ignorant of the law as he is the inside of Cherry's trousers, so you should be okay in the short-term....

Panel 2:You know, I think I prefer my action scenes with a little less dialogue.

November 20, 2009

Panel 1: Wow, Mark looks disappointed that his friend Bob here is mixed up with a bunch of facial-haired no-goods. He doesn't even need to shave, how can that be?!?!?

Panel 2:"But, you know, I feel really guilty about it, Mark. I mean, I'm all torn up inside. I can't quit you Mark Trail!"

Panel 3:Here's a hint folks, if you're ever involved in a criminal conspiracy, it doesn't matter if your co-conspirators boot you from their little endeavor. While I'm sure Mark is going to read Longburn's disavowal of Bob as exculpatory, a court of law would not and criminal culpability would still attach to Bob. For Bob to have a workable defense to a conspiracy charge, he's going to need to make a clear statement that he has renounced the goals of this poaching gang.

Eight Days of....Well...Something.

November 19, 2009

Panel 1:If this is the beginning of the denouement to this storyline, I'm prepared to be totally underwhelmed.

Panel 2:Wait! Things are looking up. I detect a note of suspicion in Mark's voice here.

Panel 3:And there it is! The gun-wielding Longburns. Ladies and germs, I sense a beatdown coming on.

November 18, 2009

Panel 1:The Jackelrod Sphere continues its long tradition of recycling art. Today it's using the art from Monday's second panel.

Panel 2:Mark Trail, man of action, bridles the alligator and gallops off in search of retribution!

November 17, 2009

Panel 1:Wow, I wonder what the conversion factor is to determine the decibel equivalent to 36-point font.

Panel 2:Rusty, your play-by-play is getting a little tiresome.

November 16, 2009

Panel 1:Damn, dude. There's an apparently sluggish (He's certainly taking his sweet time to approach the hyena-pig.) reptile the size of a large canoe crawling out of the water and you miss?

Panel 2:Bob is 15 feet from the animals and the alligator is 8 inches from the hyena-pig, what the hell is Bob going to do, dive into the alligator's open maw?

November 14, 2009

Panel 1:It's hard to tell, but it looks like Rusty just grew a soul patch. Maybe he's going to break out the upright bass and bring the cool straight to the swamp.

Panel 2:Um, well, I guess not.

Panel 3:Bravo, Jackelrod Sphere, bravo! This is actually a pretty damn good picture of an alligator getting ready to eat the hyena-pig.

November 13, 2009

Panel 1:Sweetie? What? Is he trying to put the gay back in alligator?

Panel 2:Perhaps Sassy's turd breath will deter the ravenous reptile.

Panel 3:Yeah, shut yer yap!

November 12, 2009

Panel 1:Rusty, I'd check inside the ribbed collar of the giant turtleneck sweater you're sleeping under. She's probably trapped in there.

Panel 2:Fuckin-a, man. It looks like Rusty just woke up for a 3-day bender. Get that boy an 8-ball, there's work to be done!

Panel 3:What?!? Here in the swamp teeming with alligators?

November 11, 2009

Panel 1:I think there's boner in the bathtub joke in here somewhere. I'm just too lazy to find it.

Panel 2:That's right Longburns, treat the pooch as an inanimate object and you won't feel even the slightest twinge of regret when a gator finally gets him.

November 10, 2009

Panel 1:Wow. Bob finally realizes that he's nothing a but a pawn in a senseless game beyond his control and, here, in what may become one of the foundational statements of The New Atheism, rebels against his cruel and uncaring god. Next thing you know he's going to go on a speaking tour with Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins. That should be fun.

Panel 2:Cue the dueling banjos.

Panel 3:Poor Bob, first he becomes an atheist, then he's sodomized by a couple of hillbillies. What could possibly happen next?

Meta-Post: The Reason for the Delay in Posting

I just spent 6 days converting a closet into this:





I now have a proper throne upon which to ingest my source materials and compose my commentary. A catch-up post should appear soon.

The Invisible Hand

November 9, 2009

Panel 1:This is irrefutable proof that we live in a cold, cruel and unfeeling universe that knows nothing and cares nothing for humans and their petty, insignificant problems. If we didn't, that'd be Rusty tied to the stake.

Panel 2:Well, Sassy, it goes like this. Unlike our universe, which is governed by natural laws which, while amoral, are also blind, you live in the Trailosphere. There, laws are malleable and justice is a joke. Your cruel and heartless overlord (I call him the Jackelrod Sphere) twists and tortures you to suit his passing whims and fleeting needs. In this case, his fleeting need appears to be a lack of a compelling plot point that could explain why Mark is wandering around in a swamp at night looking for malfeasors to punch. So, my porcine little hyena-type-thing, you're being treated like this because Rusty needs to wake up, miss you, and send Mark out to find you, whereupon he can stumble upon the poachers and pound them senseless. Sucks for you, eh?

Panel 3:Relax, Bob. In this instance, the safety of the hyena-pig is protected by the ineffable force of the profit motive. Sassy will be fine as long as Longburns is conscious and believes a quick buck is within his grasp.

November 7, 2009

Panel 1:WTF? Did Mr. Longburns go and join PETA or something? What's up with the soft-heartedness?

Panel 2:Phew! Just maximizing resources, that's all. Good old Longburns; always watching his bottom-line.

I'm William Fucking Strunk, Yo.

November 6, 2009

Panel 1:I've got to hand it Mr. Longburns. That backwoods motherfucker is fast on his feet. Go back and look at yesterday's third panel. Sassy was hauling ass in the other direction, Longburns was a good ways back and, yet, he managed to nab the paunchy pig-creature. Clearly, he's pretty damn nimble for a middle-aged poacher.

Panel 2:On the other hand, he seems to have a disturbing affinity for dogs.

Panel 3:See Wednesday's panel 2, infra.

November 5, 2009

Panel 1:Mr. Longburns (I think that's whose talking here) is just a little too eager to grab Sassy "from behind."

Panel 2:Mmm, yes, because Sassy totally understood everything Bob and friends were talking about...now that's believable!

November 4, 2009

Panel 1:Bob, Bob, Bob, you've just opened yourself up to a world of hurt. Mr. Longburns and Mr. Shortburns are, for sure, going to become suspicious of you now.

Panel 2:Not to be a usage stickler here, but you can, in fact, hurt the dog. I think you mean to say that you "shouldn't."

Panel 3:Yeah, Bob, if you can skin an alligator without retching, than feeding a hyena-pig to another alligator shouldn't be too troublesome.

Dog meat. Dog flesh. What's a noun among friends?

November 3, 2009

Panel 1:Sassy is a dog. Not a very smart dog. This is why she and Rusty get along so well. This is also why Sassy likes to eat her own turds. I know this because in this panel, you can actually see her turd breath coming out of her mouth in little straight lines.

Panel 2:YES! I always knew I kind of liked Mr. Longburns.

Panel 3:Bob, if you know what's good for you, you point to Sassy and say, "If it's not a pet, why does it have a collar and tag on." I think that's a logical inference that even a violent paranoiac like Mr. Longburns can appreciate.

From the annals of stupid questions.

November 2, 2009

Panel 1:You may wonder why these very same noises did not awaken Sassy during any of the last 47 nights of this interminable storyline. I certainly do.

Panel 2:"It's dinner!"

Panel 3:Well, Mr. Longburns, I think we can safely conclude that the dog did not get there by flying. Nor did it drive a swamp-buggy. The dog probably didn't parachute in, either. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the dog walked there. Crazy, I know...

October 31, 2009

Panel 1:Sassy somehow avoids another brush with death (i.e. getting stomped by an angry doe) and, instead of celebrating the dog's demise, we're left to wonder how it is that she can drop the deuce while running at top speed. I mean, how else can one interpret this picture? Clearly, Sassy is pinching a loaf here.

Panel 2:Uh, yeah, I did. That was the sound of a hyena-pig taking a dump in the woods. And, since someone was there to hear it, it made a noise.