Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Unnatural perversions

December 31, 2008

Panel 1: Is that Bull Connor? What year are we in?

Panel 2: For those of you who haven’t been following the story line, Mark was kidnapped by a man named Rabbit. Back in November, Mark beat up Rabbit for running dog versus raccoon fights in a pond. After getting beat up, Rabbit kidnapped Mark for the low, low sum of $5,000 at the behest of a man who works for Sue (the man also happens to think Sue is a hottie: he is wrong). Sue, of course, is the lady in pink holding Howdy-Doody in Panel 3 yesterday, and she is actually a land-developer planning on plowing under the marsh in which all this gut-wrenching action has been taking place. Sue’s employee wanted Mark kidnapped in order to keep him from convincing Sue that she shouldn’t plow under the marsh. Got that? Good. Now forget it, because Panel 2 raises a serious question. What the fuck kind of bird is that? It looks like the misbegotten love child of Papa Smurf and some kind of egret/penguin hybrid.

Panel 3: That’s right Bull, you pick that Rabbit up, cause nothing says probable cause like a tip from that rugged man of action, Mark Trail.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Problems in the Trailosphere

December 30, 2008

Panel 1: What’s this? A bad guy without facial hair? This cannot abide! Article IV, Section II, Clause 3 of the Jackelrodian Charter clearly states, and I quote, “Thou shalt adorn the faces of those that commiteth crimes against Man and Nature with hair.” Something is amiss in the Trailosphere.

[UPDATE] I just discovered this fascinating article on the canons of interpreting Mark Trail. Turns out that there are ways to determine whether a character is a bad buy other than looking at their facial hair. Apparently, the mandate quoted above is not absolute.

Panel 2: Rifles? Red-Haired Rustic has a rifle. But Mustachioed Rustic? In Panel 1, he has no rifle in his pathetically shrunken right hand. In Panel 2, he holds nothing with the three claw-like fingers on his hideously deformed left hand. Mark needs to get his contacts checked.

Panel 3: Y’know Mark, Howdy-Doody only weighs about 3 pounds. I bet Sue could carry him out of the swamp. Heck, even Andy could…Wait! Where’s Andy?

Monday, December 29, 2008

Holiday Hijinx in the Swamp

December 24, 2008

Panel 1: “Sue, you say you’re a woman, but why do you have an Adam’s apple?”

Panel 2: In celebration of the Eve of the birth of Our Lord Jesus Christ, the Jackelrod Sphere blesses us with an image of a randy (and pathetically lost) river otter humping a log while a deer of suspect tastes gazes on.

December 25, 2008

Panel 1: “Goddamit Sue, I can’t think with your Adam’s apple bobbing around like Jenna Jamison on a meth binge.”

Panel 2: “I can’t help it Mark, preparing Howdy-Doody for sacrifice to our giant green anemone overlords makes me sad.”

Panel 3: “Goddamit Andy, I can’t think with you licking my, plastic pudenda like Jenna Jamison on a meth binge.”

December 26, 2008

Panel 1: Bearded Rustic does not realize that giant green anemones can easily eat two adult humans in one sitting.

Panel 2: Mustachioed Rustic does, and decides not to wait around and see if they can fit in a third.

Panel 3: Either the colorist was still recovering from too much holiday cheer, or Andy is about to lose his front left foreleg to an advanced case of gangrene.

December 27, 2008

Panel 1: Yes, a dead dog in a swamp is a truly mystifying phenomenon. Certainly, like Bearded Rustic, if I were to stumble across a dead dog in a swamp, I would be paralyzed (and deaf) with wonder.

Panel 2: I would not, however, drop my 5/8th scale Ruger 10/22 when tackled by a man in a khaki unitard and tiny, orthotic chukkas shouting "Surprise!"

December 29, 2008

Panel 1: …with his mad capoiera skilz…*

Panel 2: …and his incredible melting dog.

* For those readers familiar with The Comics Curmudgeon and The Right Blog O' Justice, Mark has apparently switched from the right fist o' justice to the left foot o' retribution. Even with his tiny feet and orthopedic chukkas, it looks like Mark will be able to...ahem...leave his mark.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Tenuous causality

Mark Trail is the androgynous naturalist, and this blog is about him. I will try to keep it current. So, let us begin:

December 23, 2008

Panel 1: Mark bends down to tie his shoe, thus conveying the urgency of their situation.

Panel 2: Mark conjures a very big, very ugly Howdy Doody manequin from his Tardis-like safari shirt pocket.

Panel 3: Mark's eyebrow demonstrates that while eyebrows may be good at torturing the English language, they should leave the deductive process to someone (or something) else.