Tuesday's Dispatch from the Front

September 29, 2009

Panel 1:Wow, Bob is good at lying!

Panel 2:What exactly is Mark supposed to be doing in this picture, harvesting cotton?

Panel 3:"Or, maybe they just beat you senseless because you looked like you deserve it...which you do."

September 28, 2009

Panel 1:"Thank God!"

Panel 2:"Blargh! Christ, Rusty, couldn't you warn me next time. I thought you were some sort of hideously deformed troll leaping out of the trees."

Panel 3:Speaking of hideously deformed, check out the skeletal claw that Mark is putting on Rusty's shoulder.

September 26, 2009

Panel 1:Unless Mark wandered into the ink spray of the giant land squid, the dark shadows on Mark's shirt suggest that Jackelrod Sphere has identified a highly unlikely light source for Mark in this panel.

Panel 2:"If I flap my arms hard enough, maybe I'll fly straight to Rusty!"

Panel 3:I don't know Mark, that's one seedy looking sphere lurking around Rusty's tent.

A Message for Ace Buttockio

Happy Birthday! Here's hoping that you don't spend today unconscious in a wetland getting fondled by a platinum blond poacher, in an abandoned fishing lodge yapped at by a misshapen hyena-pig, or in some far-off forest getting gored by a jealous buck!

Mark Rogers Bob...mentally.

Panel 1:I'm guessing that the Jackelrod Sphere wasn't able to draw Mark rubbing the back of his head where Sideburns McFacialhair actually whacked him the stick. So, instead, we get this picture, wherein Mark's incongruously large right arm rests on his remarkably feminine left leg as he massages his temple. That, or Mark is making an awkward attempt to appear fetching to the man who only just recently finished stroking Mark's back.

Panel 2:Mark stares meaningfully into Bob's eyes...what is this gay porn?

Panel 3:That was an uncomfortable interlude just then. Thank goodness we were saved by the arrival of the giant turtle being piloted by a slightly-less-giant dragon fly.

Big man, tiny gator?

September 24, 2009

Panel 1:Christ, the perspective in this panel is fucked up. If the alligator is, in fact, "big" then it's going to be about 12 to 14 feet long. Using that as a guide, this panel suggests that Mark Trail is about 20 feet tall. Nice work Jackelrod Sphere!

Panel 2:Yes, Bob, and stroking him gently should aid his recovery even more.

Panel 3:Well, that, or jerking him around and yelling at him...

It's like Evil Dead, but only not evil and merely unconscious.

September 23, 2009

Panel Zero:I think now is a good time to point out the profound power that Mark Trail stores away in his Right Fist O' Justice (and possibly elsewhere). Any normal person, left to die, unconscious, next to a swamp teeming with alligators would probably just lie there and die. Not Mark Trail. In Panel 1, he's just lying there, his feet mere inches from the perilous waters. By Panel 2, his unconscious body has miraculously moved atleast the length of a healthy, adult alligator. Perhaps the Fist was pulling him along?

September 22, 2009

Panel 1:Yeah, you definitely want those alligators to digest ever last bit of Mark Trail before killing them and leaving their skinless corpses to rot in the swamp. No need to risk having a game warden cut open a poached alligator, discover a mysterious androgynous torso (and possibly some tiny appendages), and commence a homicide investigation.

Panel 2:Redemption! I always knew Bob had a heart of gold.

Panel 3: Didn't? Or don't?

September 21, 2009

Panel 1:Well, there's one obvious danger of dressing like a wildlife ranger....people think you're a wildlife danger. If Mark had been wearing a floral print Hawaiian shirt, I bet Sideburns McFacialhair would have thought twice about bashing him in the head.

Panel 2:Oh Bob, how quickly we have fallen.

Playing catchup and almost there!

September 19, 2009

Panel 1:I see Sideburns McFacialhair has switched a more lethal weapon than a big stick. Good for him.

Panel 2:Bob, next time you talk to your stylist, you might ask him to dye your eyebrows, too. Otherwise, folks will know you're not a natural blond.

Panel 3:Bob's concern for Mark's health was certainly short-lived.

September 18, 2009

Panel 1:Nah, don't sweat it. A baseball bat to the back of the head? He'll be up in no time.

Panel 2:I see that alligator got into Rusty's "special grass."

September 17, 2009

Panel 1:WHAT?!?!? What can you see Mark?!?!?!

Panel 2:Oh. A red pashmina. Cool.

Panel 3:I'm afraid those action lines don't give us much clarity here. Did Sideburns McFacialhair just whack Mark on the back of the head with enough force to crush his skull, or did he whiff right over the top of his well-coiffed head?

September 16, 2009

Panel 1:Better buckle those pants, too, Mark.

Panel 2:Christ, another gigantic fucking bird. What kind of fucked up swamp is this?

September 15, 2009

Panel 1:Those two look just a little too happy in that picture.

Panel 2:"I'd better mop up this mess before I go out and check on it!"

Panel 3:Hmm...yes, because there's nothing more sensible than chasing down armed poachers in the middle of the night dressed in your ivory whites and ecrus.

September 14, 2009

Panel 1:"And I'll tie Sassy to that tree over there by the water."

Panel 2:"And be sure to put more of that special grass on the fire, too, Mark. You wouldn't happen to have a bag of marshmallows lying around, would you? A loaf of bread? Dry spaghetti? Fuck it. I'll just eat Sassy."

Panel 3:Why is Rusty draped in what appears to be the intestines of a very large cetacean?

September 12, 2009

Panel 1:"Of course, they'll never be able to find me, because my invisible feet don't leave foot prints. You, on the other hand, Mark, are screwed...even feet as small as yours are likely to leave footprints."

Panel 2:"And Rusty, here's a lesson you should never forget: I am the law."

September 11, 2009

Panel 1:"But, not just any old hook trap. My hook trap. I knew Sassy would come in handy one day!"

Panel 2:"Fortunately, Victorinox makes a Swiss Army knife small enough to fit my tiny hands! I just hope it can cut through the braided yarn I used to catch that beast!"

Panel 3:Apparently, they also dress all in beige sometimes, as well.

Quick and dirty.

September 10, 2009

Panel 1:I've got nuthin'.

Panel 2:Hard to say, but judging from the picture, Sassy is about to become the angriest dog in the world.

Panel 3:"The skinless, rotting corpse of a poached alligator. Awesome!"

September 9, 2009

Panel 1:Clean what? Is this another disgusting NAMBLA induction ritual that you're proposing Mark?

Panel 2:Judging from the tension on Rusty's line, I'd say yes.